


Stories from a Treacherous Place

by rweoutofthewoods



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Air Force, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Books, College Student Lance (Voltron), Eating Disorders, Established Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Ex pilot Lance, Fantasy themes, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Military Backstory, Minor Adam/Shiro (Voltron), NaNoWriMo 2020, Past Lance/Nyma (Voltron), Pilot Keith (Voltron), Recovery, Suicidal Ideation, Veterans, antique shop, book store au, but there will also be cute klance, it's really dark i'm sorry, klance, look if u thought my other fics were angsty ur not prepared for this one, past rolo/lance, reading and heavily featured books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 10:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27349921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rweoutofthewoods/pseuds/rweoutofthewoods
Summary: "Stories from a Treacherous Place"It was an ominous title for such a beautiful book, but these days Lance was drawn to a little negativity. He couldn’t lie, as sick as it sounded, he fed his own darkness. Every action and thought, he never tried to stamp it down. In fact, he went in search of things to trigger it.It was a behavior Lance didn’t particularly care to examine. That opened a whole other can of worms. So choosing not to give it a second thought he held the book to his chest and headed towards the checkout.“ah,” Shiro smiled as Lance approached “you found something after all?”--A rainy night leads a suffering Lance to a little shop that's opened late, which in turn leads him to a curious book, which then leads him to Keith. It all changes from there[This is my fic for Nano2020 so expect frequent updates, like multiple times a week!]
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 56
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNING:  
> This is rated mature because of eating disorder and triggering content!   
> This fic heavily features topics like eating disorders, destructive behavior, mental health issues, the military, suicidal thoughts, smoking and death. 
> 
> I WILL NOT be detailing how exactly to have an ED. I WON'T be talking specific numbers, calories, weight, none of that. And this is NOT romanticization! There is nothing edgy or romantic about eating disorders. All the precautions I'm taking are things I'd want to see in a fic about EDs to avoid being triggered, lmk if there's anything else I should do. 
> 
> [EDIT: I also do not focus on Lance’s body, all commentary on his ED is on his habits, mentality, symptoms etc. obviously with an ED like anorexia you focus on your body a lot, I leave a lot of that out to avoid unnecessary triggers]
> 
> Please read at your own risk, the message of this fic is overall positive and I swear you'll get a happy ending but it deals with a lot of dark topics

His footsteps blended into the loud splashes of the rain, drowned out but the relentless downpour. His fingers were numb, poking out of sweatshirt sleeves and his hood was pulled down. He kept his face to the ground as he walked, the wet blacktop painted foggy yellow as the streetlights overhead reflected on the rain-soaked street.

It was that kind of sharp cold that came with the restlessness of the earth. Storm and the cold without the numbness brought by the deepest quietest part of winter.

He thought briefly, as he crossed the street walking slowly towards a lit shop in the distance, that this must be what his soul looked like, a constant bitter storm of sharp rain and chill. However, he quickly shook his head at the notion, it was a tad dramatic and a bordering annoyingly edgy.

As he stepped up the curb and onto the cracked sidewalk he pushed aside his constant internal struggle with practiced ease, focusing instead on one point, the sign on the door of a warmly lit shop that by some miracle read: OPEN!

He wasn’t about to question what on earth a shop was doing open this late because well, he’d hardly want them questioning why he was looking for a shop that was open this late. He was of the opinion that if everyone could mind their own business then the world would be a better place. He used to be an awful gossip back in high school, but he’d learned that gossip wasn’t quite so fun when you’re the topic of discussion. So now, he kept his mouth shut.

He pushed open the door not even bothering to read the sign to know what this place sold, all the mattered was that it was lit, open, and looked incredibly warm.

As he stepped inside and was hit by the warmth, he felt himself exhale in relief. There was still the constant chill in his bones, but that, he could deal with. This was better, and better was truly all he needed. You shouldn’t dare ask for much, but even a little better was an improvement on nothing at all.

As the jingle of the bell echoed through the silence and the door swung closed behind him he took in his surrounding.

The shop seemed to be a bookshop, at least that’s what he assumed. The majority of its contents were shelves of all shapes and sizes stacked tight with books, but there were other things too. Assorted nick-knacks decorating the shelves, a collection of record players, and a gramophone displayed in the corner along with various guitars and other instruments. In between some bookshelves, he could see an area that seemed to be full of velvet backed chairs and floral couches.

“Hello,” A low voice greeted making him jump. He turned to face a tall strongly built man standing behind the counter. “Welcome to Altea, let me know if I can help you find anything.”

“Oh… okay, thank you.” He replied to the man “I wasn’t looking for anything in particular.” He admitted “I just needed to get out of the cold and saw you were opened. I didn’t think anywhere would be open this late.”

The shopkeeper shrugged “we’re not always, only if I fancy really.”

Normally he wouldn’t have asked, but sue him, the shopkeepers answer intrigued him “I- what do you mean?” he asked a little timidly

The shopkeeper gave him a half-smile “well sometimes I just feel like we need to be open, maybe that sounds a little crazy,” He chuckled “my brother sure thinks it is. But if I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep or if I’m just not feeling like I’m ready to close and settle down for the night, I keep the shop open. Maybe it’s stupid, my husband says I just have insomnia, but I feel like it’s the universe telling me.”

“That’s…” on another occasion he might have said it was stupid, but whether he believed it or not the shopkeeper's earnest words stopped him, “interesting actually. I mean I guess if you weren’t open right now I’d be out in the rain so you aren’t going to hear me complain.”

“Wow, someone who accepts it,” the shopkeeper laughed “I should replace my family with you, at least you’re not making fun of my crazy ideas.”

“Only because I’m grateful for the warmth,” he joked.

“Well, I’ll take what I can get. I’m Shiro by the way, feel free to hang around as long as you need. I don’t feel like closing anytime soon.”

“Okay, thank you. I’m Lance.” He said reaching out to shake Shiro’s hand.

He noticed that the man was actually a lot younger than he’d initially assumed based on the white in his hair, closer up he couldn’t be more than early thirties.

“Nice to meet you, Lance, I hope you find something you need here.”

“I’m not sure I need any books, but I’ll look.”

“You always need books.” Shiro said seriously gesturing to the shelves “and if it’s not a book you’re looking for, well we have other things too.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Of course, enjoy your browsing.” Shiro smiled.

Lance returned his smile faintly before turning to the shelves. He pulled his sweatshirt tighter around his body, trying to fight off the constant chill as he voyaged into the maze of books. He didn’t intend to buy anything, really. He was just passing time, but as he absentmindedly ran his fingers over the book spines as he walked something stopped him as his fingers fell upon a book bound in dark leather with gold leaves etched into it. The cover reminded him of the old book of fairytales his Mama used to read to him as a kid.

He hesitated before pulling it out, then very nearly dropping it. The book was insanely heavy and his weak arms shook as he held it, but Lance steadied himself with a deep breath, holding it out to read the cover.

_Stories from a Treacherous Place_

It was an ominous title for such a beautiful book, but these days Lance was drawn to a little negativity. He couldn’t lie, as sick as it sounded, he fed his own darkness. Every action and thought, he never tried to stamp it down. In fact, he went in search of things to trigger it.

It was a behavior Lance didn’t particularly care to examine, that opened a whole other can of worms. So choosing not to give it a second thought he held the book to his chest and headed towards the checkout.

“ah,” Shiro smiled as Lance approached “you found something after all?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Lance mumbled.

He saw Shiro’s gaze flash down to Lance’s shaking hand as he carefully placed the book on the counter, but the man didn’t mention it “Good choice,” he nodded surveying the book and typing something into the register.

“Have you read it?”

“Course,” Shiro nodded grabbing the book and placing it in a bag. Lance felt a flash of envy at the way he lifted the book with ease, his hands were steady. Lance remembered a time when his arms had been strong too, but shaking hands was a small price to pay. “I read all the books before I put them out, I like to make sure I’m selling the right things.”

Lance’s mouth fell open “You’ve read _all_ of these books?”

“Yup, it’s not quite as crazy as you’re probably thinking. A lot of these I’ve been collecting for years and years, so it’s not like I read them all at once, just as they come in. Normally, I read about two or three a week, depending on the length. There’s a lot of downtime with a job like this. Plus we’ve established I don’t sleep.” He chuckled.

Lance shook his head, “That’s still a lot of reading, I can’t imagine reading a book a month much less three a week.”

“Well, it’s usually two. But I don’t know, I just enjoy it. You’re not a big reader?” Shiro asked passing Lance the bag and reading off his total.

He grabbed his wallet and handed over the money. “No, not really. I mean not anymore I guess, I have a lot less time with school than I was ever prepared for.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable, there have been points in my life where I didn’t read so much either. You’re a student?”

“Yeah, at GU.”

“Ah,” Shiro nodded in understanding “Garrison, that’s a tough school.”

“That’s for sure,” Lance mumbled, almost more to himself.

“Here’s your receipt,” Shiro handed it over “How much longer you in school for?”

“This is my last year, technically.”

“Technically?”

“Well… yeah I’m a little behind on credits so I might not graduate as planned. But I dunno, my advisor says it’s normal and not to worry about it so.” Lance shrugged.

“Yeah,” Shiro nodded “a lot of people I know went slower, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Lance gave Shiro a half-smile “Thanks, for the book and the place to get out of the rain.”

“It’s no problem. That’s what we’re here for. If you ever feel like you need anything don’t hesitate to come back, we’ve got a lot of special things here.”

Lance glanced around “Yeah,” he agreed “you do.”

He turned towards the door, his hands were on the door handle, ready to push back out into the now lighter rain when Shiro called after him.

“Wait, Lance?”

“Yeah?”

“I- well, I don’t want to pry or get in your business, but you have somewhere to go right?”

Lance paused unsure how to answer, Shiro was a complete stranger yet he was concerned about Lance, it was an unusual feeling. “I do.”

“Okay, good. Sorry, it’s just sometimes when people come in this late, they need help, especially on a night like this. I just wanted to check.”

“I’m okay, thanks though.”

“Okay, have a good night Lance.”

“You too,” Lance nodded.

And with a jingle, he stepped back out into the restless rain feeling like something about the entire experience had been a funny little dream.

\--

You might be wondering why exactly Lance was wandering around in the rain on a weeknight at one A.M, and well… the answer is complicated.

If anyone were to ask what he was doing, not that anyone often did, Lance would just say he couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t a lie really.

When it first started to get bad, Lance slept all the time. But the longer it went on the more he realized that it didn’t matter how much he slept; he never felt any less tired. So, he stopped trying, what was the point?

Now he just walked, it burned calories and it made him feel better than sitting in his room staring at the walls or thinking about all the assignments he hadn’t turned in. His friends used to joke that he was like a ghost haunting campus at night, back before they’d gotten tired of his bullshit and Lance had expanded his nightly walks far past campus.

Now, back home, Lance quietly made his way through his dark apartment, careful not to wake his roommates he tiptoed down the hall to his room. When the door was safely shut, he switched on his desk lamp and wrapped himself in a blanket, pulling out the heavy book.

If Shiro read multiple books a week surely Lance could get through a couple pages tonight, find out what exactly this book was about at least, it wasn’t like he had anything better to do.

So, in the darkness of the night, with rain pounding on the windowpane and the only light coming from the soft glow of the lamp, Lance began to read.

\--

_Rosalie was a gentle person, everyone who knew her would tell you. Every person in the land had tales of her gentle demeanor, the time she’s helped free the farmer Anton’s cow when the poor thing got her head stuck in the fence. When Maquie, the sales boy had his cart knocked into by a spooked horse, Rosalie had stayed out in the sun all day helping him put it back together. With her skirts dirtied from the street, she went home that night, and everyone said: “there goes Rosalie, what a lovely woman.”_

_People thought good things followed her wherever she went, that she’d been blessed by the gods, but Rosalie thought differently. She believed that the good was like the little birds that visited her sometimes, it was just looking for a place to land where it’d be safe, taken care of, and fed. That was what Rosalie did, she loved the good and helped it flourish, no gods were involved in the process at all, simply good intentions…_

\--

“This book is awful,” he said putting the book on the counter with a thump.

The man at Altea’s Books and Antiques looked up disinterestedly surveying Lance “Welcome to Altea,” he said sounding like Lance was not, in fact, welcome at all “did you purchase this book here?”

“Yes,”

“And what seems to be the problem? It’s policy that we don’t take returns based on any minor damage as all our merchandise has been previously owned and some wear and tear is to be expected.” He said pointing to a sign on the counter that detailed that exact return policy.

“I- it’s not damaged,”

The man shook his head, tapping his fingers absentmindedly on the counter “Then what seems to be the problem?” His dark eyes gave Lance the weird feeling like he was being looked right through.

“It’s a bad book!”

The man raised an eyebrow looking completely unamused “you can’t return a book based on your personal opinion of it.”

“I never said I wanted to return it.”

The dark-haired man glared “then what are you doing here?” He asked his voice rising ever so slightly in contained anger.

“I-“ Lance started when he was interrupted suddenly

“Lance?” Shiro called, coming down from the staircase. “glad to see you’re back, can we help you?” he asked wearing a warm smile as he approached. Lance was a little surprised the shopkeeper remembered his name.

Lance opened his mouth to respond before deflating “I dunno,” He mumbled.

Shiro tilted his head and Lance felt suddenly like he was too exposed in the daylight, he pulled at his GU sweatshirt nervously checking that the baggy clothes weren’t somehow clinging to his body.

“Is it about the book you bought?” Shiro asked gently.

“Well, yes… It’s weird, I was confused.”

“Okay, what did you want to know about?”

“It’s called _Stories from a Treacherous Place_ , but there’s nothing treacherous about it at all, it’s just about these perfect people and their perfect lives. I don’t get it.”

Shiro smiled knowingly “Did you read the whole thing?”

“No,” Lance admitted “Just parts,”

“Well, I would read it all, it is confusing at first I admit. That’s why I chose to sell it in the first place, it’s intriguing. I’ve never found or even heard of another copy of that book, it’s special.”

“Then why the hell did you sell it?”

“I figured someone would have more of a use for it than me. Give it a second chance okay?”

“…okay.” Lance agreed “sorry for coming in here like an asshole.”

Shiro laughed “It’s no worry, Keith here may not forgive you,” he said gesturing to the man with dark hair “but I’m far more understanding.”

“Sorry,” Lance turned to Keith quickly, not meeting the man’s eyes.

“Whatever,” Keith shrugged and Shiro shot him a look “I mean- it’s fine.” He corrected himself begrudgingly under the shopkeeper’s stern gaze.

Shiro grabbed the book of the counter and handed it back to Lance, who promptly dropped it unable to bear the weight. As the book hit the floor with a bone-shaking thump Lance’s vision swam and he grabbed the counter to steady himself.

“Are you okay?” He heard Shiro ask distantly.

Lance straightened up blinking the dark spots from his vision, he prayed that if there were any gods in the universe than he wouldn’t pass out right now.

“Um, yeah,” Lance said weakly as Shiro picked up the book, holding it out hesitantly like he was unsure if he should try to let Lance take it again.

Lance reached out and grabbed it carefully, this time he was prepared for the weight and tucked it safely under his arm.

“You sure? You looked like you were about to pass out.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Lance waved trying to seem nonchalant “it happens sometimes it’s no big deal. I should go before the rain comes,” he said glancing out the window.

“Wait, are you walking?”

“Yeah,”

“To GU? You said you go there, right?”

“I- yeah I do. I mean I live right off campus but near.”

“That’s miles away,” Shiro said brow furrowed.

Lance shrugged “I do this walk multiple times a day, it’s not a problem.”

“Right… but you seem sick right now, do you want a ride?”

“No, no. I’m good. Thank you though.”

“You’re sure? The weather does look like it’s about to get bad.”

Normally Lance would have kindly refused again but something about the book and Shiro’s kindness stopped him. Lance was a little worried that he might die on the way home, well he was always a little worried he was about to die but today, the recent memory of biting rain and the slight fuzziness in his vision was enough to make him nod. “Okay, actually if that’s alright with you, a ride would be great.” Lance said weakly “I wouldn’t want to impose though; I mean I’m a stranger.”

“Nah you’re not. You’re Lance you go to GU and you know I’m Shiro and I own this shop, you even know my super friendly brother now,” He joked gesturing to Keith “you’re not a stranger you’re a friend. Come on, Keith will watch the shop and I’ll drive you home.”

Lance felt himself smiling faintly, despite the guilt in his throat for skipping the walk.

It’d been a while since he’d had friends. While he doubted he’d ever actually see Shiro again after this it was still a nice thought, having a friend.

\--

“This is it?” Shiro asked pulling into the parking lot.

“Yep, thank you.” Lance said unhooking “seriously you didn’t have to do this.”

“It’s not a problem, it’s not a very long drive. But you’re welcome.” He smiled.

“Okay, bye,” Lance said opening the car door.

“Wait a second, Lance. We have little gatherings at the store sometimes, just me Keith and my husband and then like three or four other people. You’d be welcome to come sometime.”

“Oh…” Lance said a little taken aback at this man’s extreme kindness “okay,” he nodded even though he had no intention of actually going. Pretending to accept the offer was the least he could do.

“Cool, here put your number in my phone and I’ll text you next time one’s happening, okay?”

“Sure,” Lance took Shiro’s phone, quickly adding himself as a contact before handing it back.

“I’ll see you around Lance,” Shiro smiled pocketing his phone.

“Alright, I’ll see you. Thanks again.”

And with that Lance shut the car door, honestly, feeling a little sad that he’d probably never see Shiro again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two**

Lance was at the grocery store a month later when it seemed the universe had decided to take things into its own hands. Shiro had invited Lance over, but so far he’d declined every invitation with some lame excuse. Tonight he was out shopping, rather than hanging out with some possible friend which would have probably been slightly less awful

Shopping trips were… an event for Lance.

They included hours of mental preparation, he made a strict list and tried his best to get everything on it, nothing more nothing less. The first few aisles were also the hardest, but after that, he tended to get more comfortable, he’d then fall into his ritual of picking items up, reading the nutritional info multiple times before putting it back down and moving on… only to come back later and put it in his cart. These back and forth items almost always wound up going back on the shelf before he checked out.

Every time he’d meticulously fill his cart only to wind up putting almost everything back that wasn’t his few tired and true safe foods.

Honestly, the whole process took forever and it was embarrassing whenever people caught him doing something like staring at a can of beans for fifteen minutes. After a few too many uncomfortable interactions with well-meaning classmates, Lance started going to another store much farther from campus.

He’d been shopping at the other store and so far so good. That is until this particular Sunday night, which he might note was a rough night. He was near tears over a stupid box of low-calorie crackers, that inside he knew he would never end up buying, but just the possibility was enough to fuck with his head.

“Excuse me,” a male voice said, “could I just get in here real quick?”

Lance immediately stepped to the side holding the box to his chest. “Sorry,” He mumbled eyes on the floor.

“It’s no problem,” the man said grabbing a few bags of chips with an ease that made Lance jealous. He glanced over at Lance. “Oh those are disgusting,” He said pointing to the crackers Lance was holding. “I mean, sorry that was blunt. I don’t personally like them, don’t mean to insult your taste though.”

“Oh,” Lance said relieved to feel the shaky feeling of oncoming tears ebbing away slightly “no, I don’t like them either.”

The man shrugged tossing the chips into his cart “Okay,” he said, and Lance was thankful that while obviously friendly, this guy didn’t seem to want to pry into Lance’s business. A lot of friendly strangers tended to also be nosey which he hated.

“hey, honey I got some soda.”

“No, no.” The man shook his head “that’ll rot your teeth.”

“I’m not eighty Adam,”

“Not yet, but I guarantee when you are you won’t have teeth!”

“Hey! You know I—Lance?”

Lance spun around to face the shelves, recognizing the other man at the same time. Lance quickly looked back down at the crackers examining the calories like he hadn’t already memorized the amount.

“You know I already, saw you.” Shiro dryly “what are you planning on doing, just pretending like I didn’t?”

“Uh, no?”

“It’s okay if you just didn’t want to come to our hangout at the shop today.” Shiro said still speaking to Lance’s back “I’m not offended.”

“No,” Lance said turning around to face the older man “I did, I mean I had stuff to do.” He shrugged gesturing to his cart.

He realized his mistake as Shiro’s eyes flicked over to the nearly empty cart, which contained some diet drinks, tea, rice cakes, and some fruit and vegetables. Shiro’s eyes stopped briefly on the contents before turning back to Lance and he crossed his fingers that Shiro hadn’t thought anything off about the contents. Lance was ever sure how much he gave himself away.

“Well, the offer still stands, if you’re almost done of. Obviously, we still gotta do our shopping too. You don’t have to stay long, and there’s no pressure, I just think you’d enjoy it.”

“Oh, I mean…” Lance knew Shiro wasn’t pushing him to agree but still, he felt like he couldn’t say no. It’d just be rude after everything the man had done “I mean I guess I can come for a little while.”

Shiro lit up and it almost made Lance’s anxiety pale in comparison, he was glad to make him happy. “That’s great, oh my gosh I just know you’re going to love everyone.”

\--

Lance wasn’t sure if he’d love everyone as Shiro had said, or the more pressing thing to wonder, if _they’d_ like _him_. Lance wasn’t exactly the friendly bubbly person he’d been as a teenager and people tended to find him unapproachable or distant. Not that Lance minded much, he’d become the kind of anti-social person he used to despise, he preferred people keep away.

“Can you get this Lance?” Adam asked holding out a grocery bag from the trunk, their shopping was apparently for the gathering they were having tonight.

Lance was about to agree and just soldier through the effort when Shiro cut in grabbing the bag from his husband. “Don’t worry I’ve got it.” He said adding it to his already full armload.

Apparently, Shiro remembered the incident last time when Lance had dropped the book. Adam looked a little confused as to why Shiro was taking it but he shot his husband a quick look. Adam apparently read something in the look that Lance hadn’t, and he just shrugged letting Shiro go.

Lance wondered what that was like, to just understand someone like that.

Shiro and Adam led Lance into the shop and past the counter to a room marked “employees only!” where they were greeted by a warmly lit room with stained glass lamps painting the walls and comfortable looking couches.

Shiro had explained that he Adam and Shiro’s brother lived above the shop but they thought it was more fun to have gatherings down here than in the boring living room, Lance hadn’t really understood at first but now he agreed, there was something magical about it down here.

“Hi guys we’re back,” Shiro called to the people lounging on the couches “we’ve bought food,” he said holding up the bags.”

“Fuck yeah!” A small figure jumped up “did you get any soda?”

“No, it’ll rot your teeth.” Adam said at the same time as Shiro said “Yes!”

The two turned and glared at each other for a moment “I thought we weren’t getting soda?”

“Well, yes, you said no and I just chose to ignore that.”

Adam sighed dramatically and Lance couldn’t help but smile at the two of them.

“Did you also buy a man at the store?” the small person said scanning Lance up and down.

“No,” Shiro said before pausing “well… kind of yes, I mean we bumped into him there, but this is Lance everyone. Lance, this here is Pidge, I’m going to apologize to you in advance for her, she can be tactless.”

“Hey!” Pidge protested.

Shiro ignored her and pointed to a large man “this is Hunk, don’t let his size fool you he’s basically a giant teddy bear, so don’t be afraid. That’s Allura,” He gestured to a woman with tumbling silver curls “you can be afraid of her, never know when she’s going to decide to take over the world, and of course you met my brother Keith already.”

While the others had smiled or waved when Shiro had introduced them Keith just surveyed Lance looking unimpressed “you’re the guy who was freaking out over the book,” he raised a single eyebrow “not the most mentally stable?”

“ _Keith_ ,” Shiro said in warning.

Keith just shrugged “Just an observation.”

“I’m a college student,” Lance said deciding to play it off as a joke “none of us are mentally stable.”

“Oh, where do you go?” Allura asked and Lance was surprised to find that she had a British accent. “I would assume Garrison University?”

“Yeah, I go to GU.”

“Hey, man!” Hunk smiled warmly “me too! What’s your major?”

“Aerospace engineering,”

He jumped up excitedly “Oh my gosh really?” That’s amazing, you’re a grad student?”

“Yeah, I am. You?”

“Yup, computer science!” It seemed like Shiro wasn’t wrong this guy was truly a giant teddy bear, it was like all his sentences ended with an exclamation point. Lance felt some of his anxiety ease a little. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

“Oh wow, that’s awesome. What about the rest of you guys, you’re not in school?”

“Well, I think the rest of us already graduated, except for Keith, he’s a dropout.”

Keith just sighed like he was used to this “fuck off Pidge.”

She flipped him a finger before turning to the groceries “okay so now we got everything established, Allura is scary, Hunk is not, I’m smart, Keith’s a dropout, can we eat?”

Shiro shook his head exasperatedly “yes, if you want.”

“I hope you got good snacks today.”

“I did despite Adam’s attempt to ruin the night for everyone.”

“My attempt to stop you all from ruining your teeth.”

“We’ll brush our teeth later, don’t worry.”

“If you’re just lazily brushing _once_ after—”

“Honey, leave your dentistry at the office please.”

“You’ll regret not listening to me when you’re old and have no teeth,” Adam grumbled but moved to sit down, letting go of the topic.

He beckoned for Lance to follow and they sat on one of the cushy couches

“So, I have a question Lance, how come you were at the Quick Shop up here, why not go to the one right near campus?”

Lance hesitated, taken aback by the question. He was surprised Adam even noticed something like that. “Oh… well I like it better. I always bump into classmates near campus and they want to talk, I just want to shop.”

“So, what you’re a popular guy?” Adam shot Lance a half-smile.

“I- well…not exactly.”

Adam frowned “what do you mean?”

“I… had an accident last year, people like to ask me about it.” He shrugged trying to sound nonchalant.

“Wait, hold on,” Hunk cut in “you’re not Lance like Lance Mclain?”

“Oh, yeah that’s me,” Lance said uncomfortably.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry I don’t mean to pry you just said you don’t like talking about it. But I heard about that man, I’m sorry.”

“Thanks, I mean I’m fine now.”

“Yeah? That’s really good, I’m glad. I’d always kind of wondered what happened but I don’t like listening to gossip and no one had a lot of facts, so you know, it wasn’t my business. But I’m glad you’re okay. But let’s move on so you don’t have to talk about it anymore.”

Lance nodded feeling gratitude for Hunk’s kindness.

The conversation moved on from there and Lance felt like the worst was over, no one pried too much into Lance’s business until Allura turned to him later in the night.

“So, you said you’re getting your graduate in aerospace engineering? What do you plan to do with your degree? There are a few options I assume, but I’m afraid I don’t know exactly what kind of career one would have with that degree.”

“Oh,” Lance said a little surprised that the attention was turned on him again, Allura seemed genuinely interested, however. “Well I got my BA from the Air Force Academy, I was a pilot but um, I was honorably discharged because of my health… so I went back to school figured I’d work in the technical side since I already had the BA.”

“You’re a pilot?”

Lance was surprised because Keith hadn’t really talked much, in fact, he seemed to be uninterested by the whole ordeal but now he was leaning forward slightly his dark eyes had a spark of curiosity behind them that Lance thought actually made him look kind of hot, compared to his usual moody look.

“Yeah, I was.” Lance nodded a little intimidated by him.

“Me too.”

“In the air force?”

“Yeah,”

“What’s your track?”

“T-48,”

“Fighter?” Lance raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you?”

“T-1,”

“not bad.”

“Thanks? I’m a civilian now so it doesn’t matter much. Are you still in service?”

“I’m not active-duty. I’m a flight instructor now.”

“Yeah that makes sense, I can see you as an instructor that would have scared the shit out of me in training.”

Keith’s mouth twitched a little at that in what might have been a smile “Yeah, I scare a lot of the kids, but it whips them into shape.” He shrugged.

“Wow,” Adam shook his head “what are the chances that Shiro picked up the one guy that was also a pilot in the air force? I’ve never known another pilot besides Keith and the people he worked with. Which is a little surprising honestly considering base isn’t so far from here.”

Shiro chuckled “Hey I didn’t pick Lance, he just wandered in here at one A.M on a Wednesday night. I know you all think I’m crazy, but it really is fate.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Hunk said kindly while Keith rolled his eyes and Adam sighed.

“I do,” Keith deadpanned.

“Actually,” Pidge piped up “scientifically fate could be real if we’re looking at the statistics. There’s a whole lot of shit about the world that scientists can’t even explain which shows that science is bigger than humans currently have the capacity to understand, there’s no proof that fate _doesn’t_ exist and plenty of evidence that the universe works in ways bigger than we can comprehend. So, like I wouldn’t say unicorns exist because there are no traces of their existence or any evidence to bring up the question, but there’s plenty of things that bring up the question of fate.”

“See!” Shiro said triumphantly “The genius just said I’m right.”

“I didn’t say you’re _right_ Shiro, I just don’t think there’s any solid scientific basis on which to dismiss it, so you just may not be completely wrong. I mean, bees? What the fuck is that? They defy the laws of physics which just goes to show that humans don’t know everything about physics, we don’t know everything about anything.”

“Uh, nobody mentioned that you’re a genius,” Lance mumbled a little awestruck.

“Oh, yeah I guess.” Pidge shrugged “went to Harvard at sixteen, graduated top of my class.” She smiled proudly.

“Wow, what do you do?”

“Oh, that’s classified.”

Lance gaped “are you serious?”

She nodded “yup, it’s government science stuff. That’s all I can say though.”

“Pidge’s job will forever be a mystery to all of us.” Allura smiled “but we’re proud of her, even though we’re also a bit scared.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’d want to know half of the things Pidge knows; she has enough knowledge to end the world if she wanted.” Hunk nodded seriously.

“I might want to after this coming election. We’ll see.”

Lance didn’t want to know if Pidge was genuinely being serious.

\--

Lance didn’t exactly become a regular as Shiro’s “shop parties” as the shopkeeper referred to them, but he did go a few more times over the next couple of months. He kept topics away from his personal life and never stayed very long. He was cautious but despite himself, Lance found that he enjoyed the company. Maybe he was lonelier than he’d thought.

When Lance bumped into Hunk on campus for the first time, he was honestly just surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.

“Hey, Lance!”

Lance recognized the bigger man waving from the distance excitedly, today was uncharacteristically warm and Hunk was sitting at a table underneath the trees, he was accompanied by a woman with short dark hair, and a blonde girl who Lance thought he recognized from one of his statistic classes last year but he couldn’t remember her name, something with an R he thought.

Keith was also with them wearing his uniform and Lance felt his heart beating in his chest, he chalked it up from the exertion from walking across campus and waved back at Hunk approaching the table.

“Hey,”

“I was wondering if I’d see you around,” Hunk grinned broadly. “You on your way to class?”

“Nah, I’m done for the day. I was on my way to the library to get some studying done.”

“Oh if you’re in a rush, don’t let me keep you.”

“No it’s fine, I didn’t want to study anyway,”

“Great, then sit down for a sec!” He moved over so Lance could take the spot next to him, he turned to the two girls “this is my friend, Lance by the way. He’s an aerospace major, and Lance this is my girlfriend Shay, and my friend Romelle, they’re education majors, and you know Keith.”

“Nice to meet you guys.” Lance nodded.

“You were in my statistics class, right?” Romelle asked, “I remember you.”

“Yeah, I was.” Lance nodded.

“Cool, it’s great to formally meet you!”

“Agreed,” Shay smiled warmly, and Lance could see how she was a great match for Hunk, she seemed just as kind-hearted. “any friend of Hunk’s is a friend of ours, he only chooses the best people.”

Hunk laughed “I know a good person when I see them, but the credit goes to Shiro on trapping Lance. He’s relentless when he thinks something is fate and he believed that Lance is.”

Romelle laughed fondly “Oh I love Shiro, he’s a crazy one.”

“Well, you got that one right,” Keith grumbled and Romelle nudged him playfully.

“Shush, Mr. Grumpy, we all know you love him.”

Keith glared but didn’t contradict her.

“So Lance,” Hunk asked, “are you coming to the shop Friday?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Lance shrugged “maybe, I don’t know what my assignments will look like by the end of this week.”

Hunk sighed sympathetically “Yeah, they really pile the work on. Never thought I’d say this, but I miss undergrad. That was easier than this.”

Lance nodded in agreement “Shooting people was easier than this.”

At that, something unbelievable happened, Keith actually laughed. Not just a snort or a tiny chuckle but an actual laugh.

Hunk’s eyes widened and he grinned at Keith. Apparently, Keith laughing was rare in more than just Lance’s presence.

“Wow, you made Keith laugh,” Shay remarked, “I like you already Lance.”

Keith quickly wiped the smile from his face and shot Shay his signature glare “shut up,”

“Yo, Mclain!”

Lance immediately felt the urge to bash his head into the table as he recognized the voice interrupting their conversation.

“Kevin,” Lance remarked unhappily as the man jogged over.

“Hey man, I was looking for you actually.”

“What’s up?”

“Well I noticed that somebody put all their groceries in my cabinet, seriously there was bread on top of my vitamins and I had to dig them out this morning when I was in a rush!” 

“I’m sorry?”

“Was that you? I mean I swear I’m not mad if it was, I just don’t want it happening again.” Kevin said in a way that seemed like he was trying to be laid-back but instead came out condescending. But everything Kevin said was condescending, really.

Lance sighed “Kevin, when have I ever fucking ate bread?”

“Well, I don’t know! I don’t think you eat ever, but you’re still alive so you must.” Lance shifted in his seat a little at that, as Hunk frowned at Kevin’s remark. “Just saying it’s not my job to keep tabs on you, no matter what Nyma says.”

Lance straightened at that “What is Nyma saying?”

“She’s worried about you man, she thinks you’re gonna die or something.”

“If Nyma’s so worried she should have spent less time fucking other guys.”

“Hey,” Kevin put his hands up in surrender “look that’s not my drama. Just don’t like kill yourself or something.”

“I- what?” Lance sputtered “where on earth did you get that idea from?”

“well, I don’t know that’s what Nyma said.”

“Nyma is a lying bitch. If I wanted to die I would have stayed in the military not gone to get my grad degree.”

“Okay, whatever, you’re not suicidal good for you. I’ll just go find Andy then, he must have been the one who put his food in my spot.”

“No shit,” Lance glowered. “and stop listening to every lie Nyma feeds you.”

“Hey it wasn’t just Nyma, Rolo has been worried too.”

“No, Rolo doesn’t care about anything, don’t think I’ll be more lenient just because out of the two he _didn’t_ cheat on me.”

“Fine, I’m only trying to look out for you man.” Kevin huffed.

“Yeah, looking out for a way to get into Nyma’s pants,” Lance said flatly with a glare.

Kevin stiffened at Lance’s tone “Don’t think you scare me Mclain,” he glared “what just cause you were in the military and all tough back in the day? You couldn’t drop a fly now, no wonder they kicked you out.”

“I paid for your portion of the Wi-Fi this month.” Lance said calmly “Andy was all for not letting you use it at all and kicking you to the library whenever you needed it. But I helped remember? I’m happy to take that help back if you’re gonna be a dick.”

“Fine,” Kevin growled angrily and turned on his heel with a huff, muttering insults under his breath as he stalked away.

Lance sighed rubbing his eyes, Kevin really got to be more of a pain in his ass every day.

“Um, roommate troubles?” Hunk asked a little timidly, suddenly reminding Lance that he had an audience.

“Oh,” Lance blushed embarrassedly “y-yeah just stupid drama.” He shrugged trying to play it off “I should go actually… homework waits for no one.” He said weakly. He went to grab his backpack but he stopped after lifting it an inch, quickly dropping it back down his face red.

“Are you alright, Lance?” Shay said, her voice soft and Lance tried to push away tears of frustration, he was not going to cry in front of people he just met.

“Um, yeah…” He said not looking up from the backpack. Once he got it on his shoulders it would be okay but right now, he felt like if he tried to lift it his arms would just snap. Lance was pretty sure that was unlikely to happen but he also couldn’t shake the constant fear that one day he’d lift something that was just too heavy and his arms would break.

Before Lance could work himself into a state Lance caught a whiff of something spicy, like cinnamon mixed with a subtly cologne and Keith was leaning around him picking the backup up with ease. Keith didn’t say anything just reached forward slowly, giving Lance the chance to move away if he wanted. Keith’s hands were surprisingly gentle on Lance’s shoulder, they were warm and calloused and reminded Lance of home in a way he couldn’t describe. Of being above the clouds with adrenaline pumping through his blood, of homecooked meals and days on the beach.

Keith turned Lance around and helped him pull the backpack onto his shoulders.

Once it was on Keith just looked at Lance, dark eyes unreadable, and said: “we’ll see you on Friday.” It wasn’t a question but a request, and well who was Lance to refuse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair-warning: I spent hours doing research on the air force and piloting and I still know absolutely nothing about it, so take everything I say in this fic about it with a grain of salt, I'm taking creative liberties.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three**

It turned out that Keith’s brand of kindness was different than say, Shiro’s or Hunk’s. Over the next few weeks, Lance observed that Keith, despite his tall, dark, and broodiness, was actually a caring person in his own way. After he’d wordlessly helped Lance that one day on campus, Lance started to watch the other man.

Keith didn’t make professions of love like Hunk did, or place a kind hand on anyone’s shoulder as Shiro did, he didn’t buy presents like Allura did or loop people into complex conversations they didn’t understand to make them feel included like Pidge. Or of course, Adam's way which seemed to include a lot of urging you to take care of your teeth.

They all showed their love in ways that were uniquely their own but also visible and easy to distinguish. Keith was different, his love seemed to be quiet, barely visible.

It was picking up Pidge’s phone when she’d throw it on the couch so it didn’t get sat on, handing Shiro a snack when he was so caught up in taking care of everyone else he forgot to eat or choosing never to drink Soda because he knew it upset Adam.

Funnily though, somehow that care began to extend to Lance. Although the two of them had never even had a one-on-one conversation Lance felt like Keith did care about him on some level. Even if that level was simply that Shiro cared a lot about Lance and by extension so did Keith.

It started with the backpack but after that Lance noticed Keith grabbing things for him, if Lance ever hung out with Hunk on campus and Keith was there, he always held Lance’s bag for him. If Shiro handed Lance a book or something new at the shop that he wanted to show off Keith was always at his shoulder in a second ready to take it if needed.

Everyone else must have noticed but no one said anything.

That was the whole reason Lance was still here, he stopped hanging out with friends a while ago when the pressure got too much. He got tired of avoiding their constant questions, the urges to eat and thinly veiled suggestions that they go out to lunch while looking Lance up and down like he was a mystery. The “just eat” comments got annoying real quick and so he gave up.

With everyone from the shop though, they didn’t ask questions. Lance was pretty sure they thought he was dying from some chronic illness. Whenever food came up Lance simply begged not feeling well and they let it go. To keep up an image Lance made sure to eat with them as often as possible, only ever something small that he knew was safe.

Tonight, he was slowly working his way through a piece of celery, listening to Pidge give a long and impassioned speech about America’s shitty education system while Allura nodded along seriously. Romelle had joined them tonight and was trying to braid Allura’s hair which had basically devolved into Romelle scolding Allura to stay still every time she nodded.

Shiro was on the couch with his head in Adam’s lap while they talked about some shipment Shiro was getting in tomorrow. Hunk was sitting next to Lance and they played a game of bingo crossing off a space every time Pidge said a certain word. Keith and Shay were discussing some book Keith was holding while he absentmindedly tapped his foot.

The night was one that Lance had come to see as normal. He tried not to get too comfortable because he knew it was only a matter of time, but still, there was something he’d come to love about these nights.

Pidge paused in her hate-speech on the SATs as a phone on the coffee table started ringing.

“Wow, y’all didn’t silence your phones? Rude.” She glared.

“That’s mine sorry, for interrupting your wonderful speech.”

“Don’t tease me Mclain.” She leaned forward and picked Lance’s phone up, holding it out to him. “It’s someone named Luis.”

Lance sighed and took the phone from her declining the call and dropping his phone back onto the table

“Who’s Luis?” Pidge asked curiously.

“A pain in my ass.” Lance made a face.

Pidge opened her mouth to respond but was cut off once again as Lance’s phone started ringing.

“Damn, Lance,” Adam raised an eyebrow “you gonna answer that?”

“Luis really wants to talk,” Pidge remarked.

“Luis really wants his head shoved up his ass,” Lance grumbled picking his phone back up again.

He answered it this time putting it up to his ear “No, I haven’t died yet Lu, stop calling me.”

_“Don’t you dare hang up,”_ Luis’s low voice came from the phone _“or I swear to god I will get in my car and drive down to you right this moment? Do you fucking hear me? Or even better yet Mama will come down instead!”_

“No, no, _Dios mío_ please don’t call Mama here.”

_“Stop ignoring our calls.”_

“If you stopped calling me I wouldn’t have to ignore your calls.”

_“Oh fuck off Lance, everyone else may be willing to baby you but I’m not, we expect you for Christmas.”_

“Absolutely not, I’m not coming home for Christmas. Look if you wanna come here and drag my body over there sounds great, but I’m not coming.”

Luis scoffed _“what because you’re afraid to eat.”_

Lance was suddenly hit with a wave of shame. This is why he distanced himself. The lack of understanding.

At first, there’d been pity and sympathy, now everyone was just angry. They blamed him, _he_ was doing this to himself, all he had to do was stop!

There was always that unspoken question: _why aren’t you better yet?_

He was weak, he wanted to die, he was selfish? Lance wasn’t sure which he liked least, those answers or the truth.

Without another word to his brother Lance ended the call.

A mere second later his phone was ringing again and Lance just let it, watching, his vision blurry with unshed tears. He told himself for what felt like the hundredth time that he _would not_ cry in front of his new friends.

“Um I have to go,” Lance said and without looking back or acknowledging any questions he tore out of the shop. It wasn’t until he was out on the sidewalk that the tears hit and Lance sat down on the curb letting them fall. The wetness on his face reminded Lance of the first time he’d been here not so long ago when the rain was falling, and life had felt so much colder.

Lance was still cold now, but at least he had company in his misery.

There was a faint jingle as the shop door opened and Lance straightened ready to give Shiro some Lame excuse, but he was surprised to see Keith instead.

Keith didn’t say anything, just sat down on the curb beside Lance and reached out gently taking Lance’s phone from his hands. Of course, embarrassingly, that made Lance cry harder realizing that he was right, Keith’s way of caring was holding things for Lance.

Keith seemed unsure of what to say, he didn’t seem to be the most emotionally intelligent person. Finally, he seemed to settle on the very tactful, “are you dying?”

Lance was so surprised by the question that he laughed through his tears “I don’t know,” Lance said and with his smile, he must have looked crazy “I…” he held of his thin fingers watching the way they shook in the dim streetlight “maybe, probably.”

“Can you not die?”

“Huh?”

“I mean… like do you have a chance to not die? Because I hope you do, Shiro really likes you. He likes a lot of people I guess but you’re different, whenever he brings someone to hang out at the shop it’s different. He just knows when people are important. I know I say it’s stupid but he assembled all of us somehow and that’s special.”

That might have been the most Lance had ever heard Keith speak and he just nodded a little startled. “Yeah, it’s pretty special.”

“I think you’re annoying,” Keith said suddenly.

“Oh gee, thanks,” Lance said surprised by Keith’s bluntness and a little hurt.

“I didn’t say I don’t like you, I just said you’re annoying. You’re not as annoying as Pidge but something tells me you are. That you’re the kind of person who’s the loudest and the brightest and the most annoying, except you’re not. So I don’t know why, but you should get the chance.”

“To be annoying?” Lance raised an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Keith shrugged.

“Okay…” Lance nodded feeling like he’d gotten whiplash from the conversation.

“Sorry,” Keith said suddenly “I offended you. I wasn’t trying to, I’m just not the most eloquent, I guess. Never been good with people.”

“No, no you didn’t offend me, just surprised me I guess.”

“Sorry,”

“It’s okay.”

“Did you drive here?” Keith asked once again switching topics in a split-second.

“No, I walked.”

“Is it safe for you to walk if you’re maybe dying?”

“It’s fine,” Lance mumbled as they approached the topic a little closer than Lance was comfortable with.

Thankfully Keith, not much of a talker just nodded “I’ll drive you home, let me just tell Shiro.” And before Lance had any time to protest, the dark-haired man was disappearing back into the shop.

Lance considered briefly that he could just get up and leave now, he could use the extra exercise of the walk but like last time when Shiro had driven him, Lance felt like he shouldn’t refuse. This time, however, it wasn’t the threat of impending rain that made him accept the ride, but the peculiar event of Keith coming after him.

People didn’t chase after Lance, on occasion is Mama would run after him if he’d left during a fight, or his sister Veronica would grab his hand and beg him to stay, but when he walked away he was alone.

He didn’t expect people to follow him, that wasn’t their responsibility. He didn’t storm off because he wanted them to chase him, but there was something about anti-social Keith, who Lance barely felt he could call a friend, following him outside. It warmed his chest.

Keith was a puzzle. Lance was sure that if he’d known the other man back in high school or when he was in training he would have _hated_ Keith. Half the time it seemed like he didn’t care about anything and everything he did he did well. Like there wasn’t even any effort needed. Plus, the fact that he’d been a fighter.

Lance had wanted the T-38 track but hadn’t done well enough in that area in training. His instructor had said that she didn’t think fighter was the place for him, that Lance flew better as part of a smaller team.

Back then Lance had felt like that was a criticism of his skill, but now he realized that it was just a fact, nothing to do with skill at all. Everyone thrives in different environments.

The bell jingled again announcing Keith’s return, he held up his car keys as he approached.

“Ready?” He asked.

And with a second’s hesitation, Lance nodded.

\--

++

**Shiro:**

Hey I’m at your place, brought Keith. Your roommate let us in, lmk if you’re close.

**Lance:**

omw. Just had to drop off some books. be there soon.

**Shiro:**

Great! Excited to get some new plant babies :)

Hunk said he’ll meet us, we can stop by the mall to do holiday shopping?

**Lance:**

Sure! Sounds great, idk what to do abt the secret Santa thing :((

**Shiro:**

Who’d you get??

**Lance:**

Dude, I can’t tell u that

**Shiro:**

Is it keith? Oh my gosh, I bet it’s Keith, he’d hard to shop for. But only on the surface.

He’ll like whatever you get.

**Lance:**

I never said it was Keith.

**Shiro:**

You didn’t say it wasn’t…

\--

Lance opened his door and was greeted by a sunny smile from Shiro.

“Hey, Lance!”

“Hey, man.” Lance gave him a tired smile shrugging off his backpack and dropping his keys on the counter. “Let me go change and then we can go.”

“Sure, we’ll wait.”

Keith didn’t say anything, he was busy eyeing Kevin suspiciously. Said roommate was simply in the other room watching TV and seemed unaware of Keith’s glare

Lance nodded and headed down the hall and quickly changed out of his GU sweatshirt and baggy pants into _another_ GU sweatshirt and pair of baggy pants. It was his go-to outfit and in all honesty his only outfit.

He plugged in his laptop and headed back towards his friends, “okay, I’m ready, let’s go.”

“Yes, this is going to be so much fun!” Shiro said “Right Keith?”

Keith raised an eyebrow in his usual “not having it” kind of look and shrugged. “Sure,” he said tonelessly.

Lance got the feeling that Keith wasn’t exactly the Christmas shopping type. Imagining Keith in a crowded mall with the crazy shoppers and line out the door at the Apple Store, was an amusing thought.

“Okay!” Shiro grabbed Keith’s arm and placed a hand on Lance’s shoulder “I need plants and at least two hours to try to pick out Adam a gift, seeing as he’d the most insufferable man on Earth, so let’s get to it!”

\--

Two hours later Shiro had gotten his plants, they’d met up with Hunk, and they were now braving the mall crowds.

“It’s like it gets worse every year,” Hunk noted eyeing the line at the toy store.

“You just get older every year,” Keith snorted.

Hunk pushed him jokingly “Hey! So do you, man.”

“Yeah but I never liked the mall in the first place.”

“He has a point,” Shiro shrugged. He stopped suddenly as they passed a candle shop “wait! Would Adam like a candle?”

Keith gave his brother a tired look “Absolutely not.”

“He’s your husband,” Lance pointed out “shouldn’t you know what to get him?”

“No,” Shiro sighed “he’s impossible to shop for.”

“Get him a toothbrush.” Hunk joked.

“The thing is, he might actually like that…” Shiro said with a look of sheer disappointment.

“I told you not to marry him,”

“Shush, Keith, you like Adam.”

“Maybe.”

Shiro rolled his eyes “come on, let’s check out this bookstore maybe he’ll like something from there.”

“You own a bookstore!” Keith protested but Shiro ignored him pulling them through the crowd.

\--

“Oh my gosh,” Hunk said as they walked through the food court “do you smell that?”

“Pretzels?” Shiro asked excitedly.

“Yes!” Hunk clapped his hands excitedly “let’s get some.”

“Sounds great to me,” Shiro agreed.

“Okay,” Keith nodded.

“Lance?” Hunk asked, “you want a pretzel?”

Lance felt the world slow for a second as the thought of eating the pretzel got caught in his mind, he wanted nothing more than to eat one. It did smell amazing but no sooner had the temptation hit him, so did the numbers. He was still recovering from a binge last week, and even if he wasn’t, no food was worth that amount of calories.

“Uh, nah, I don’t like those.” That was one of Lance’s default answers, he always played up being a picky eater, technically it was true in a sense that he _was_ very particular about what he ate, it just had nothing to do with the flavor.

Hunk gasped dramatically “How? They’re so good! You’re missing out man.”

Lance smiled hoping it didn’t look too fake “I’m sure I am.” He said lightly.

\--

After shopping they decided to go back to Lance’s place to watch a movie, Lance knew Kevin said he’d be out and Andy would be with his girlfriend as usual, so they’d have the place to themselves.

Lance dropped his bags in the corner and joined his friends as they piled onto the couch.

“If Pidge was here she’d be trying to start world war three over what to watch, we’re lucky she was busy today.” Hunk informed Lance.

“Yeah, you guys can choose whatever.” Lance shrugged.

“Shiro and I are the only ones here who actually care.” Hunk nodded “Keith barely even watches when we put on a movie.”

“I do sometimes,” Keith shrugged.

“Barely,” Shiro nudged him.

Keith didn’t respond just nodded slightly eyes glued to his phone, Lance almost laughed when he got a glimpse of the screen and realized Keith was watching what appeared to be a compilation of cute ducklings.

They were halfway through the movie Hunk and Shiro had picked about a prince on some quest to save a cat… Or that’s at least as much as Lance got while only half paying attention.

When there was a knock at the front door it wasn’t unusual, Anndy forgot his keys at least twice a week.

“Probably my roommate got locked out,” Lance told his friends with a sigh and got up to answer it, he swung the door open. “Andy, I swear to god one day no one is going to be here to open up for you when—” Lance broke off suddenly when he realized that it _was not_ Andy. “oh…”

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Uh, oh- okay.” stepped aside to let her in and she swept past him tucking her short hair behind her ear.

“Damn, it’s cold out there.” She said pulling off her gloves.

“Veronica,” Lance said still shocked by her sudden appearance.

“Yes, Lance?”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“What I can’t visit?”

“Not when you’re stationed halfway across the world you can’t!”

“I’m home for a little while,”

“Well, clearly.” Lance scoffed.

At some point, Shiro had paused the movie and his friends were watching with concern. “Everything alright?” he asked.

“Yup,” Veronica shot him a smile “these your friends Lance?”

“Veronica, what are you doing here?”

“Stop calling me Veronica,”

“Stop intruding in my apartment,”

“You invited me in,”

“You asked to come in! I couldn’t exactly say no could I, then you’d just stand there all night like a freak.”

She shrugged “probably,”

Lance rubbed his temples tiredly “what do you want Vee?”

“Luis told me about his conversation with you last week,”

“Luis can go fuck himself,”

“Look, I don’t disagree. But we were worried about you.”

“You’re always worried about me,”

If it’d been Luis in the conversation Lance knew he would have made some snipe about how it was Lance’s fault but Vee was a better person and she just shrugged “because we love you.”

“Well I’m not coming home for Christmas, I learned my lesson, and not even you can convince me.”

“I know last time was a bad experience, people just don’t understand Lance.”

“That’s not my fault! I’m tired of being the bad guy for the decisions I make with my own life.”

She sighed clearly knowing this wasn’t a fight she could win right now “Fine, fine we can talk more about this later.”

“You’re staying?”

“For a few days yeah, I was hoping you would tolerate my presence for a while and we could spend some time together.” She raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“Maybe, under one condition—”

“No going out for food or trying to coerce you, I know the drill, Lance.”

“Okay, okay.” He sighed, any other family member Lance would have kicked out on their ass, well except maybe his Mama, but Vee had always been especially close to Lance, they both went into the air force and had always shared a lot of the same passions. “did you want a drink or something? We’re watching a movie, I don’t know what it is though.”

“I’m allowed to stay?” She asked hopefully.

“Don’t be bitch or pry and you can.”

Veronica smiled brightly “okay I can do that. Could I get some water though? Please?”

“Sure,” Lance shook his head and headed towards the kitchen.

As he left he could hear Veronica introducing herself to his friends and sitting down with them. Lance quickly grabbed a glass of water but as he was heading back he stopped, out of sight but just within earshot. He could hear Veronica talking.

“So you guys haven’t known Lance super long? How much exactly do you know? About him I mean.” She asked tentatively.

Lance could practically hear Shiro’s shrug “Not too much, we know he’s a great guy but he clearly likes to keep things close. It’s not our place to pry into his business if he’s not comfortable with us knowing. So, we don’t push and just hope if he ever needs he’ll come to us.”

“Yeah,” Hunk spoke up “he obviously has a lot going on. I love hanging out with him, seriously it’s crazy how quickly he clicked into our group, even Keith likes him and Keith likes very few people.”

Lance stepped around the corner at that moment, deciding to cut in. “Water for you, Vee.”

“Thanks, Lance,” She straightened “now let’s watch this movie even though I have no idea what it is.”

Hunk jumped to explain the lot so far and Lance let himself relax a little, if any of his siblings could be trusted not to air his dirty laundry it was Veronica. It was admittedly nice to have her around again, as weird as it was to see her laughing with his new friends.

When you spend so much time cutting things out it’s easy to just block out everything you’re missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I meant to put this up last week but I hadn't got around to editing and it's finals week, so here ya go!
> 
> Witing has been slow, but I have three days of classes left, on Tuesday I have my last few finals and then I'M FREE. I'm getting out of school for two months because they want us off campus to avoid the second wave of covid. So I'm excited for a chance to breathe!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look i edited this chapter on my phone at work, if u find mistakes please forgive me, I'll check it again when I'm home. 
> 
> but hopefully you like this chapter enough that it makes up for it.

“I like your sister,” Hunk smiled as they prepared to head out, “she’s really nice.”

“She’s alright,” Lance shrugged.

“Are you coming to the shop party tomorrow?” Shiro asked “you can bring Veronica,”

“Maybe, I’ll see if she wants to go.”

“great!” Shiro smiled warmly “hopefully we’ll see you guys then,”

The exchange smiles and waves before the three of them departed, leaving Lance with his ever suffocating big sister.

“Now they are so much better than your old friends,” Veronica remarked “we are totally going to hang out with them tomorrow.”

Lance sighed dramatically as it was a little brother’s duty to do when their sister said anything at all “Fine, we can go. But rules still apply, you can’t tell them anything.”

“I wouldn’t,” she frowned “but you should tell them eventually, I know they’re new friends but they obviously care about you. I think they’d understand.” 

“No,” Lance said quickly “I… I mean, I know they’d understand or at least try their best to, but I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want more people trying to fix me. It’s my life, the last thing I need is more people trying to tell me how to live it.”

“I know, Lance. You distanced yourself from all of our family, you shut out your old friends. Don’t think I don’t realize why. I know the only reason you let me stay around is because I don’t try to change you. I just worry that if something happens you won’t have a support system. I can’t change your life Lance, the only person who can do that is you, but I think you could only benefit from having people in your corner.”

“They are in my corner, just because they don’t know about my…” He trailed off, Lance never actually said it. He swallowed continuing “just because they don’t know doesn’t mean they don’t watch out for me. They do, and this way I don’t have to deal with the weirdness or pity over it.” 

“Okay, I figured you wouldn’t want to tell them. I know it’s stupid for me to even try with you at this point.” She sighed and for a second Lance could see the fear in her eyes. She always masked it with sisterly concern or light heartedness, but she was scared. Scared that she’d get a call one day when she was halfway across the world that her brother was dead. But the thing with Vee was that she didn’t let that fear control their relationship, and in a second the vulnerability on her face was gone.

Lance didn’t respond to tears or fear, he didn’t respond to much of anything but he knew to his family, Vee even being able to hold a conversation on the topic with him was a victory, a miracle. 

The thing was a lot of people assumed that if you were like Lance, you were just crazy. Who just doesn’t eat? Right? They seemed to think two things, that either he was suicidal and if he “just ate” everything would be fine or that he was so deep in denial he didn’t even know what was happening.

Neither was true, Lance was very self-aware. He knew that he was stubborn and practically unreachable, he knew that he didn’t listen when people tried to help him. He knew he got defensive, bitter, and angry. He knew that in theory he could get help but he also just couldn’t. 

Lance didn’t want to get better, he’d tried that before. He’d gone to in-patient, suffered through the feeding tube, the forced meals, the weigh-ins. He’d done it all, he’d recovered and then he left. Got deployed lived his dream for a couple years as a pilot… until he relapsed and this time there was no family members to help him, no support. He continued on until his health got so bad that it jeopardized his job and he’d been discharged. Lance went home in shame and did it all again, the feeding tube, the forced meals, the weigh-ins. He got well enough to leave for grad school and then fell right back into his old habits. He didn’t want to die, but a part of Lance felt like he just wouldn’t. He’d survived this long right? He was always fine, and he always came back to this, so what was the point? 

Lance wasn’t in denial, he just didn’t care anymore.

  
\--

“So, this is Shiro’s shop?” Veronica asked excitedly as they entered, the bell happily announcing their arrival. “It’s amazing, oh my gosh look at all these books!” 

Shiro who was coming down the stairs at that moment waved “take a look,” he urged her “we have a lot of hidden gems in there, you might find something you need,”

“Something I need?”

“Shiro has this philosophy that fate brings people to his shop when they need it, he stays open some nights just because he feels like he should, that’s how I stumbled in here.”

“Really?” She raised her eyebrows “wow, that’s so interesting. Like something out a fantasy story, I’m definitely checking out your books.”

Shiro chuckled “take your time,”

“No don’t,” Lance shook his head “she’ll be in there all night,” he warned Shiro.

“I won’t be too long,” she waved them off already leafing through a small paperback.

“Okay, we’ll be back there,” Shiro pointed “just follow the noise when you’re done.”

Veronica mumbled a response engrossed in the book and Shiro and Lance shared a shrug before leaving her there.

“Hey, Lance!” Pidge greeted in her usual hyper manner as soon as they made it through the doorway.

“Hey, Pidge,” Lance waved though with much less unrestrained energy. 

“You didn’t bring Veronica?” Hunk questioned.

“Nah, I did, she got lured in by the books.”

“Oh your sister?” Allura smiled brightly “I’m excited to meet her!”

“She’s pretty cool,” Hunk nodded.

“Wow, don’t replace me with Veronica please.” Lance laughed.

“We would never,” Romelle said seriously “we’re just excited to know your family.”

“Vee’s the only decent family member I have,” Lance snorted. 

“Not true,” Veronica’s voice cut in “our Mama is a literal saint.”

“You have to be to have five kids,” Lance pointed out.

“Five kids?” Adam asked “wow you guys have a big family.”

Vee laughed “Oh and that’s not even counting our Aubela, cousins, and nieces and nephews. We all pretty much grew up in the same house, and Luis is way older than Lance, so his kids are only a little younger. It was a full house.”

“You’re the youngest Lance?” Shay asked in her soft voice.

“Yeah,” Lance sighed “ it’s weird when your eldest brother is twenty years older than you.”

“Wow,” Shay shook her head “I can’t imagine that, I’m the youngest and only daughter out of three boys, but my brothers aren’t that far from my age. My biggest brother is seven years older than me.”

“Yeah, I was an accident, my parents wanted to stop at my sister Rachel.” 

Veronica rolled her eyes “you know Mami and Papa hate when you say that Lance.”

“It’s the truth though!”

She shook her head “anyway, ignore Lance. I realize I don’t know all your names!”

Pidge led the introduction and Lance realized that the way she’d introduced Lance to everyone seems to be her standard way of doing it, once again she called Keith a dropout not at all put off by his glare.

“I met her the other day Pidge, shut the fuck up.”

Pidge just laughed “jeez, okay Mr. Grumpy Keith Kogane.” 

Veronica’s eyes widened at that “Kogane?” She asked “like the pilot?”

Keith paused suddenly at that watching her with a calculating gaze “yes…” He replied his eyes narrowed.

Shiro tensed beside Lance looking ready to intervene though Lance was unsure as to why.

“Wow,” you’re kind of Legendary “I can’t believe Lance didn’t mention that you’re Keith Kogane.” She turned to him. 

Lance’s mouth was open in surprise “I didn’t know his last name,” He said “but you know what? That makes sense, of course you’re a legend. That’s fucking annoying.”

Keith frowned softened a little at that “yeah, yeah, everything I’ve ever done is just to annoy you Lance.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” 

As Keith leaned back his sharp expression gone. Lance saw Shiro’s mouth fall open as he exchanged a look with Adam. 

Hunk was looking back and forth between Lance and Keith like something unexplainable had just occurred. Even Allura, ever calm and put together looked a little put off.

It was’t until later that night that he understood a little better what exactly had happened. 

Lance was on his way out of the bathroom when he overheard a whispered conversation between Shiro and Adam. Lance stopped not wanting to intrude when they sounded so serious.

“—never seen anything like that,” Adam was saying “he just backed down.”

“I know,” Shiro responded sounding concerned “that’s good though right? Normally if anyone brings something about it up Keith bites their head off, even if they have good intentions. I mean he attacked Shay of all people over it once and I don’t think that girl is capable of having bad intentions. Maybe he’s moving past it.”

“Takashi, Keith blew up when you mentioned him doing something with the medal just last week. I don’t see how he suddenly moved past it within a week. He’s been struggling with the whole thing for over a year now.”

“Then what was it?” 

“You know what it was, it was Lance.”

“I-I know,” Shiro sighed “but how, why? I mean, Lance didn’t know what was going on, he doesn’t know about Keith’s history. He wasn’t even trying to diffuse the situation. So why did Keith just back down like that?” 

“Hunk told me that Lance made Keith laugh a few weeks ago,” Adam said like this was monumental “like a full out, real laugh. And have you noticed how Keith always holds things for Lance?”

“yeah, I did notice that actually. I thought it was uncharacteristically thoughtful of Keith.”

“Exactly,” Adam said seriously “Keith likes Lance, I think they’re good for each other. It’s been a long time since Keith has had someone who’s like an equal to him, I think he sees Lance that way. They’re both pilots, both don’t fly anymore.” 

“So Keith finally found someone on his level, wow I tell you it’s fate.”

“Takashi, please.” Lance could practically hear Adam’s eye-roll. 

The conversation turned to light bickering and Lance heard their voices fade as they moved away, probably back to everyone else. 

Lance however, didn’t move. Their was something about Adam referring to Lance as Keith’s equal that held onto him. An equal to a guy who was practically U.S Air Force royalty? That couldn’t be true.

\--

If there was one event in the world involving food that felt doable to Lance, it was going out for coffee. Coffee was easy, just get it black. 

So, when one of his classmates proposed a study meet and coffee, Lance actually agreed. Advanced Fluid Mechanics was hard and Axca his classmate, didn’t seem to be the annoyingly talkative type. 

By the end of the night Lance knew he’d made the right decision, Axca was nice without being overly so or annoying. She let the topic stay mostly on their studying and Lance actually got a lot of work done and made it through some topics he was struggling with. 

When they said their goodbyes, they scheduled another study session and Lance left feeling fairly content. It was a little less unusual for Lance to feel this way lately, he always went home after seeing his new friends feeling weirdly okay.

He should have anticipated his ease as a warning, that his day was about to go sour. He was on his way home when his phone rang, Lance pulled it out of his pocket with a sigh, expecting it to be Veronica. However, the name on his screen made him stop dead in his tracks.

Nyma…

Lance never really believed all that bullshit that she was worried about him. No, Nyma wanted something, Lance just couldn’t figure out what. Making a split-second decision Lance declined the call and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. He was not going to humor her.

Nyma was the kind of person that pulled you in, her confidence and ability to not give two fucks about anything was alluring to Lance when he met her, back when he was in recovery and trying to get his life back on track. With Nyma came parties, excitement, all these bright and shiny new things. She was smart, funny, and never hesitated to completely rip someone to shreds if she felt they were attacking her. Lance had admired that about her, plus the way her hair tumbled down her back and the pale creaminess of her skin didn’t hurt either.

Lance had thought that Nyma was the perfect thing to get him really living again. For awhile, it seemed true. Nyma brought Rolo, and a social life and fun. It was nice for Lance, who was drowning in his constant insecurities to be loved by two people who were exciting and popular. They told him he was perfect and well, Lance didn’t believe it but it helped feed his loneliness, his hunger to be loved, wanted, cared for. 

Nyma and Rolo were Lance’s everything, until he realized that Nyma not giving a shit about people, applied to Lance to. Maybe Nyma never even loved him, maybe she did. But Lance didn’t want to find out.

As exciting and happy Nyma made Lance feel, it wasn’t long before he was falling back into his disorder like he always did, and Nyma, she wasn’t prepared nor willing to deal with this. It scared her, Rolo was always laid-back about it, kind and helpful even, but it just upset Nyma. This led to and endless cycle of shame as Lance got worse and felt guilty over it, then restricted even more to try to control his guilt in at least one area of his life. It just kept going until Nyma was clearly sick of it, she slept with someone else.

Lance tried not to think of that now, it only upset him. When he found out he was so devastated, he’d gone to Rolo for help only to be told by his boyfriend that it was “just Nyma”.

Lance was outraged, didn’t it bother him? Rolo just shrugged and told Lance that sure it did, but he knew what he’d signed up for, if Lance didn’t then he should move on.

So Lance broke off his relationship. However, in doing so, he lost a majority of his social circle, it all went downhill from there to the accident, after that Lance retreated into himself and didn’t come back out. Up until the night he wandered in to Shiro’s shop.

\--

  
Rosalie was a gentle person, but the universe wasn’t always kind to gentle people, and good doesn’t always follow. She was kind, funny, and always the brightest person in the room, but just as words of amazement and kindness followed her, so did those of jealousy and cruelty. 

“Oh there’s goes Rosalie, how painted like a picture she is, I wonder if any of her is made of flesh?” 

“Who is she playing pretend for?”

“She talks too much,”

“She thinks everyone must simply adore her,”

“Her sister is prettier; I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

Rosalie heard all the comments, good and bad. She kept her head down, did what she believed was right and entertained no gossip. She contented herself with the knowledge that the world was a wonderful place full of magic, oceans, flowers and stars. 

She’d stand with her bare feet in the grass, thin nightgown in the mud, and she’d reach up. She’d hold the stars shining above in her outstretched palm, and she’d say to herself “this is a wonderful place”.

But as the years tumbled by a chill creeped in, as it did to every wonderful place at one point or another. It was the kind of chill that settled uncomfortably in a person’s bones, like it was etched beneath the skin. Nothing could overcome it, not the largest of fires or the thickest wool cloak. 

The fires in The Wonderful Place began to dim, the streets turned frozen, the townspeople shut their doors and the marketplace became nothing but a cart or two as food and supplies were sparse. The world became a lonely place, the birds no longer wanted to sing, people feared accepting help for they had not a penny to pay it forward. Yet every night Rosalie would step outside and stand in the grass, now withered and sharp. She would reach out her hand and hold the stars, then she whispered, almost like a prayer “this is a wonderful place,” 

The years creeped by, slowly and tiredly as the people you might see walking down the street, if you were lucky enough the see any at all.

People were sparse, no one was sure where exactly they went, if they died there were no bodies. They were simply gone.

“They’ve just moved on,” Rosalie’s mother would shrug, her mouth in a weathered grimace. 

Her sister would say the universe was picking fates, who would continue onto the next world. 

Rosalie tried not to believe that this was an Armageddon, shouldn’t it be much grander like the stories? Full of fire and monsters and the world going out with a bang?

But there was no fire, Rosalie often found herself longing for such a thing selfishly. Fires didn’t light if they were for anything bigger than a pot. The fireplaces gathered dust instead of ash and lamps always flickered out within a matter of minutes.

The world was dark, the world was cold, the world was wonderful… for all of Rosalie’s brightness she felt herself flickering too. 

Within a few years, Rosalie traded ideas of what was happening to the world, not with her mother or sister, but herself. Her voice bounced off the walls of her empty house, and was swallowed in the empty streets.

Rosalie was the only person left, she often wondered why. If she’d done something wrong in her life. Was there something the made her different than everyone else? Why was she here alone?

Every night she’d stand outside, the grass was gone now, it was only the smooth cold earth under her feet. She’d hold the stars in her palm.

Then just as Rosalie herself had begun to flicker alongside her mother and sister so many years ago, so too did the stars. They dimmed and they brightened in one last second of hope, until they blinked out. One by one, they died. 

An age later Rosalie stood outside, she might have been barefoot, but Rosalie wasn’t s sure if she had feet anymore, or a body at all. She looked up into the darkness.

The chill that had touched them all so long ago, wasn’t in her bones anymore, no it was a part of her, or maybe she was a part of it. 

She looked up as the last star in the sky started to shudder.

It brightened for just a moment and in a split-second Rosalie said to herself: “what a treacherous place” then the universe went dark.

\--

“So, I started reading the story again…” Lance started one uncharacteristically nice Sunday evening.

“Oh?” Shiro sat up from where he was lying on the couch, knowing exactly what story Lance was referring to “do you like it?”

“Not at all,” Lance frowned “I don’t understand, the world ended? How is there even more to the book. I mean I guess I get why it’s called Stories from a Treacherous Place now, but I don’t see why it just started off with a bunch of boring short stories of Rosalie and the other characters with their perfect lives, and where did the other characters go? Why was Rosalie the only one left, is she dead?” 

Shiro chuckled “you have to keep reading, Lance.”

“I don’t want to, it’s awful.” 

“What, so you were mad it was too happy, now you’re mad it’s too sad?”

“The world ended!”

“Keep reading,” 

Lance sighed leaning back in his seat and watching the warm glow of Shiro’s living room light above.

Tonight there was no shop party just Shiro and Lance hanging out in Shiro’s apartment over the shop. Adam was around too but he’d been holed up in his office all night doing paperwork or something. 

Before Lance could nag Shiro more on the stupid book the door opened and Keith came through, still in his uniform. Lance hadn’t seen Keith in a few weeks, Shiro said the was normal, he’d disappear sometimes. According to Shiro, being in once place tended to make Keith restless and the pilot would often move around America assisting in teaching a training class or two, and on occasion moving for awhile to lead an entire course somewhere else.

In the few weeks since Lance had last seen Keith it seemed he’d forgone a haircut because it was a lot longer than his usual military style and Lance found he quite liked the way it had begun to curl around Keith’s ears. Man, his hair grew fast. Lance would only wish that would happen to him, but since it’d started thinning years ago from lack of nutrients, Lance had kept his hair short.

“How long have you been back?” Shiro asked eyeing his brother as he crossed the living room to the kitchen and dropped his keys and phone on the counter. 

Keith shrugged opening the fridge and peering inside “a few days,”

“Where’d you go this time?”

Keith chose not to answer shutting the fridge empty handed and instead grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl, he glanced to the couch and seemingly noticing Lance for the first time and he grabbed another.

“Want one?” Keith asked holding it up?

Apples were safe to Lance, he preferred them when he was at home and could cut it up, but he could normally handle it if he took small enough bites. Had Keith noticed that?

Lance hesitated a second longer before nodding. Keith turned away and grabbed a plate and Lance watched in sudden shock as the dark-haired man pulled out a knife and proceeded to quickly cut the apple into tiny neat pieces. 

Lance had never cut up his food in the way he liked in front of his friends for fear of looking to obvious or obsessive. He’d never mentioned it either so how had Keith known to do that. For a moment Lance thought that maybe this was just the way Keith ate apples and he was doing it for Lance too except when he brought Lance the plate over his own apple was still whole in his hand. 

Shiro watched the exchange curiously, Lance felt a little uncomfortable accepting the apple because earlier he’d told Shiro he wasn’t hungry, but Shiro didn’t say anything about it turning back to watch Keith after a moment.

“I was in Texas,” Keith said, no doubt feeling Shiro’s gaze on his back as he retreated back to the kitchen to clean up. 

“Doing what?”

There was the creak of footsteps on the old floorboards as Adam came down the hall, his glasses were pushed on top of his head and he was holding a large folder of papers. 

“Oh hey Keith,” Adam greeted spotting his brother-in-law “welcome back, I’m done with work for the night are you going to hang out.”

“Maybe,” 

“Cool,” Adam grabbed his work bag from the corner of the living room and with a little difficulty, pushed the folder inside before dropping down on the couch beside Shiro.

“Keith was saying he was in Texas,” Shiro said meaningfully raising an eyebrow at his husband. 

“Okay, hope you had a good time there Keith.” 

Keith shrugged which Lance noticed tended to be his response to a lot of things, that or an eye roll. 

“He won’t say what he was doing there,” Shiro crossed his arms.

“Well, Takashi, seeing as Keith is an adult and free to do what he wants he hardly has to tell you.” Adam said with a pointed look. 

“Yeah,” Keith snorted “listen to your husband Shiro, he’s right.”

“I usually am,” Adam said smugly. 

Shiro sighed “Okay, okay. Keith are you staying?”

From what Lance understood, Keith technically lived with Shiro and Adam, but he didn’t seem to be around much.

“Were you staying Lance?” Keith asked and Lance was surprised to suddenly brought into the conversation. 

“Oh, uh- I was going to head out actually, I have a study session tomorrow morning.”

Keith’s brow furrowed “did you walk here?”

“Um… yes.” Lance said feeling scrutinized. 

“I’ll drive you.”

“You don’t have to. I can walk back fine.”

Keith didn’t even deign that worth and argument he just picked up his keys from the counter and watched Lance expectantly. 

“Okay,” Lance gave in slipping on his coat and following Keith out the door with a quick wave to Shiro and Adam, “thanks for having me guys,”

“No problem, see you soon Lance!” Adam smiled warmly and Shiro nodded in agreement. 

Keith led Lance through the back entrance that let out behind the shop so they could come and go without cutting through it all the time.

There was something about it all the felt a little unreal as Lance climbed into the passenger seat. The green lights on the dash and hum of the engine when Keith put the key in the ignition. The click of the directional as they turned down the street. There was always something different about driving in the dark but it felt like another level of reality with the faint drone of the radio which was turned down to slow that Lance could only make out a faint chatter, it was all accompanied by the steady tap of Keith fingers on the wheel, like he was just restraining a restlessness. 

“Do you have that too?” Lance asked quietly in the dark.

“Hm?” 

“When you’re driving, does it sometimes feel like you’re on the edge of hitting the gas and going as fast as possible just so you can feel as alive as you did when you were flying?” 

The tapping of Keith’s fingers stopped suddenly and Lance got the feeling that he’d shocked the other man. 

Without a word Keith turned sharply onto an empty road and pulled over shutting off the car, Lance didn’t even have a moment to question what the other man was doing before he was grabbing Lance by the collar and pulling him in so they were so close that Lance could feel the heat of Keith’s breath on his face. 

“Yes,”

And then Keith’s lips were on Lance’s warm and insistent. For as rough of a grip Keith had on Lance’s sweatshirt this kiss itself was careful. The angle was admittedly awkward with Keith leaning over from the drivers seat but Lance couldn’t find it in himself to care. The hand that wasn’t on his collar came up to cup Lance’s face and as careful as Keith was being the kiss itself was firm and Lance felt something warm growing in his chest, he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so wanted by someone.

The thing was for all of Keith’s care and Lance’s notice of it, he’d never even considered this. Now he wasn’t sure how he hadn’t, he couldn’t imagine doing anything else for the rest of his life except kissing Keith. 

As the thought crossed Lance’s mind it only had a second to start to scare him before Keith was pulling away and letting go of Lance’s collar to trace the line of Lance’s jaw, pulling him back into the moment. 

“C’mere,” He said breathlessly and still so perfectly gentle Keith practically lifted Lance out of his seat and helped him climb into Keith lap in the drivers’ seat. Once Lance may have felt intimidated by a partner being so much stronger than him but now it didn’t make Lance feel weak, it made him feel safe.

Keith looked up at Lance “this okay?”

“Didn’t know you were gonna kiss me,” Lance whispered feeling like it’d be wrong to speak at full volume in the quiet darkness. 

“Me either, till you said that.” 

“Why was it that?” Lance asked curiously, watching the other man’s eyes as the flitted over Lance’s face, taking him in.

“Because you knew. You knew that, I’ve never told anyone that, and it’s not just that either. You knew what to say that time was Veronica mentioned me being a legend or whatever, I would have snapped at her but somehow you said some stupid shit and then I didn’t want to anymore and Lance I always want to snap. We don’t talk, I’m not a big talker but you know that too. When I drive you home you don’t make me talk, when I sit next to you at shop parties you don’t make me either. There are all these things that I’ve never told you and I know no one else has told you because as much as I love my family and friends, I don’t tell them things either. They don’t understand but somehow you do.” Keith touched Lance’s face, his fingertips just a whisper on Lance’s skin and he leaned forward whispering in Lances ear: “how the hell do you know me Lance?”

“You knew about the apple…” Lance said softly his brow furrowing in thought “I thought earlier that it didn’t make sense how you knew to cut it up for me like that so I could eat it. How did you know that?” 

“I just did,” 

“Me too, with you. I don’t know how, but I did.”

“what does that even mean?”

“Shiro would say it’s fate or some shit,” 

Keith chuckled “Shiro’s out of his mind, I think it’s just life. The universe is odd.” 

“Maybe fate is part of life?” Lance shrugged.

Keith raised an eyebrow his arms settling carefully around Lance’s waist. Normally Lance was uncomfortable with anyone touching his body but somehow Keith seemed aware of this too because his arms rested just barely enough around Lance that it felt okay. “Shut up and kiss me,”

Lance did, who was he to argue? 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter five**

Keith and Lance didn’t _purposely_ keep their relationship a secret, it’s not like they’d go out of their way to lie about it. But they didn’t exactly mention it to anyone either.

Lance wasn’t sure if either of them knew what the relationship _was_. They definitely weren’t dating but they weren’t just friends either, so Lance settled on the title of Close Friends Who Also Like to Kiss Each Other. Lance said this to Keith once and the other man had simply chuckled amusedly.

Keith didn’t seem any more bothered by the lack of actual borders around the relationship than Lance was. It was what it was, if Keith referred to Lance it was as a friend and Lance did the same, but they also, they weren’t going around kissing other people. There wasn’t any dates or romance and honestly Lance was happy with it.

He didn’t need nor want the level of seriousness and commitment that came with that. Over the past few years, Lance had ditched almost every relationship he had in his life from platonic, romantic, and familial. Keith was a runner too, now that they spent more time together Lance noticed just how often he was gone. had started receiving little texts from Keith saying “out of town”. The three words shouldn’t have meant that much to Lance, but it made him feel warm knowing that Keith cared enough to let Lance know he was gone.

However, he didn’t realize exactly how much it meant coming from Keith until one Sunday morning walk at the park with Shay and Romelle.

“I wonder if we can get Keith to come tomorrow,” Romelle said in reference to a meet-up for bowling she was planning for them “I know he hates bowling but maybe we can placate him with nachos.”

“Depends on his mood,” Shay chuckled.

“He’s going out of town tonight so I wouldn’t plan on him making it.” Lance shrugged.

Romelle who’s been walking ahead of them slightly turned to face Lance “How do you know?”

“Uh… he told me.”

Shay stopped suddenly “He told you?” she asked surprised.

“Oh my god,” Romelle shook her head “what did he say? How?”

“I- he texted me.” Lance shook his head confused.

“Let me get this straight, he texted you and told you specifically that he’s leaving town?”

“Yes, geez Romelle, why is that a big deal?”

“Show me what he said,” Romelle demanded.

Lance sighed and pulled out his phone bringing up the message and showing it to Romelle “leaving town tonight,” she read aloud.

Shay peered at his screen “wow Keith actually sent you that?”

“Yes, are you guys going to explain why this is a big deal? It’s three words.”

“Keith normally just leaves,” Shay shook her head “he never tells anyone, he just goes. He and Shiro have actually had huge fights over it because Shiro worries. He’s always saying that Keith could at least just text him but Keith refuses.”

“Why?”

“My guess? I think a lot of times Keith feels suffocated by all of us, especially Shiro because he cares so much, you know? It’s a good thing that Keith is letting you know Lance, I never thought I’d see the day but I guess he must trust that you’ll leave him be.” Shay said pulling her jacket tighter around her.

“Course I would,” Lance frowned “he needs the freedom. It’s who he is.”

Romelle tilted her head, examining Lance “See though, I think to everyone else it just seems like Keith is reckless and flighty, like he’s running away from things. I’ve never thought of it as being freedom before. I guess that must be why he tells you.”

“Oh,” Lance said trying to shrug it off “it’s just because I get it. Once you’ve flown, staying on the ground in one place can feel boring.”

But from then on, he cherished each and every time Keith let him know he was going away.

\--

Lance’s life fell into a routine of sorts, go to classes, go to work, study with Axca, who had become a friend of sorts, and see his friends on weekends or whenever he was able to stop by Shiro’s shop. Winter break crept up on Lance in no time and as it got closer and closer to Christmas, Lance felt his anxiety building.

During her visit, Veronica had begged Lance to come. She promised he didn’t have to stay even an entire day, he could come for Christmas Eve and then leave before dinner if he wanted. Lance thought that was a lot of effort to go all the way home only to stay a few hours. However, after obtaining a promise from Veronica that she’d talked to their parents and made it clear he would only stay for Christmas eve if he came, Lance finally gave in.

The anxiety was almost worth Vee’s shrieks of joy when he told her over the phone.

Truthfully, Lance wasn’t sure why he agreed. Shiro had made it clear that Lance was welcome at their Christmas and Lance had planned to stop by. But in the end, he trusted Hunk with his gift for the secret Santa and prepared for the drive.

“So, you decided to go after all,” Keith’s voice came from the doorway startling Lance.

“Jesus Keith,” Lance shook his head as he pushed at a particular present that didn’t seem to want to fit in the bag. “yes I’m going.”

As of late, Keith had taken to letting himself into Lance’s apartment and generally scaring Lance and his roommates.

“Great, I was hoping you wouldn’t come to our Christmas,”

In the months Lance had known Keith he’d learned not to be offended by him saying things like this instead he just raised an eyebrow “why’s that?”

“My sister is coming, she and Shiro are definitely just going to argue the whole night.”

“Didn’t know you had a sister,” Lance said in surprise.

“Yeah, she goes to GU actually, but if you think I don’t do well with Shiro’s doting then you should see her. She’s not around a lot.” Keith shrugged.

“Hm,” Lance nodded “makes sense, I guess I don’t see a lot of my family because I got tired of the worrying.”

“Yeah, Shiro’s always been there for me so I put up with him. She didn’t’ have the same experience though.”

Keith didn’t elaborate as to why and so Lance didn’t ask instead letting the conversation turn to silence, punctuated only by the sound of paper ripping as he shoved at the present too hard and tore the wrapping paper. He groaned in frustration and Keith chuckled quietly, from his spot in the doorway.

“Need help?”

Lance could hear the slight teasing in Keith’s voice and shot him a glare “no,”

Keith of course ignored him and stepped inside Lance’s room taking the present from him and rearranging the contents of the bag. In a matter of minutes, he was able to fit the present inside easily and zip it close.

Lance wanted to act pissy over the ease with which Keith had fixed the problem for him, but something about the closeness of the other man wiped those thoughts from Lance’s brain. All he could think about was the smell of Keith’s soap and the way his hair was getting even longer and wow, Lance liked that a lot.

They hadn’t kissed since that night in the car, sometimes Keith would briefly grab Lance’s hand when no one was looking or exchange other small touches, but that was it. Even when he came by Lance’s apartment lately.

Lance couldn’t lie he’d wanted to kiss Keith again, but he also hadn’t felt any real urgency to do so. Now however the thought was there. Keith almost seemed to sense this because he turned to watch Lance, eyes searching his face.

“You can ask,” Keith murmured stepping closer.

“Ask what?” Lance questioned, admittedly a little breathlessly.

“For me to kiss you,”

“You’d do it if I asked?”

Keith nodded and right before his words were swallowed by the kiss Lance could have sworn, he’d said: _“I’d do anything you asked”_. But no, Lance’s brain was in make out mode, he must have misheard.

Before he could dwell on it too much Keith pushed Lance backward, his hand gentle yet firm. They moved until they found Lance’s bed and Keith guided him down on it. Lance thought that this might be territory he wasn’t ready for but Keith seemed to already know that and his hands never strayed father than Lance’s waist.

It was a silly thing, being with Keith. Because on one hand, Lance trusted him, more than he should trust anyone he’d known for such a short amount of time. On the other hand, while there were some things Lance knew about Keith on instinct, how to rile him how, how to calm him down, it was often hard for Lance to know exactly what Keith was thinking.

Now for example, Keith pulled away, his face hovering above Lance’s. They were both panting a little and as Lance’s gaze swept over Keith’s face, it was unreadable. His eyes were as dark as ever as they held onto Lance’s and he had no idea what was on the other man’s mind.

Keith rolled over so he was laying beside Lance on the bed, they didn’t cuddle but Keith’s hand found Lance’s and took it gently.

He closed his eyes just listening to Keith’s breathing and enjoying the warmth of his hand. He pushed aside the anxiety about going home, the fact that he still had presents to wrap, and for one moment, Lance allowed himself a little peace.

\--

“Yes, you came!” Vee said excitedly, assaulting Lance when he was barely through the door.

“I did, you kind of forced me.”

She scoffed “I did not _force_ you, I merely begged you.”

Lance sighed exasperatedly but accepted his sister’s help as she took the bag of presents from him. “The kids will be happy to see you.”

“Only because I come bearing gifts,”

“And because they’ve missed you,”

Lance just shrugged not really believing that, he hadn’t been around at all the past few years, how well could his nieces and nephews even remember him? But somehow has Veronica led Lance down the hall their were a chorus of voices “Tio Lance!”

The kids ran over bombarding Lance with their greeting and random questions.

“You brought presents!”

“We missed you!”

“Why is your shirt blue?”

Lance couldn’t help but chuckle a little as he greeted them, sure Luis’s youngest daughter Rosie just looked on in curiosity, but she was only three so he didn’t expect her to remember him.

“So Vee,” wasn’t lying Luis remarked “you really came.”

“I did,” Lance said stiffening a little.

Before Luis could say something back that would probably offend Lance their parents entered, no doubt sensing the tension immediately.

“No, no.” None of that, his Mami tutted unhappily “this is a family Christmas, we will act like one, no?”

“Yes, Mama.” Lance nodded.

Luis just sighed but after a sharp glare from their father he straightened up “of course.”

Being the eldest, Luis often seemed to think he was above being reprimanded but even as a full-grown adult with a family of his own, he wasn’t immune to scoldings.

“Leandro,” his Mami smiled bright “welcome home mijo,”

Lance accepted her hug a bit stiffly, he was uncomfortable with the touch even from his own mother. At the noise the rest of his family had filtered into the living room and Lance could practically taste the unrest. It was like everyone was just waiting for him to have a mental breakdown right there or start throwing things.

Lance could admit that the thought wasn’t completely unbidden, something similar may have happened the last time he’d dared to show up over a year ago now. However, Lance didn’t really have the energy for a screaming match and he mentally crossed his fingers that things would go as smoothly as possible.

At first Lance powered through, he dodged thinly veiled questions on his health, somehow managed to give a dumbed down version of why he was no longer with Rolo and Nyma, and kept the attention off himself as much as possible.

As it got closer to dinnertime though, Lance felt his anxiety growing. He knew as soon as his eating habits were observed the inquiries would turn to shame and disappointment as it became apparent, that yes, Lance was still fucked up as ever.

The family members were recruited to help set the table Lance started to debate if now was the time to leave. He’d barely been there two hours and he’d driven all the way, he just wasn’t sure if he could make it through the meal.

When Lance’s phone started to ring in his pocket while everyone was starting to settle down at the table, he took the excuse hoping it would buy him some time away from the looks his family was throwing him. He was surprised to see Keith’s name on the screen, he’d never called Lance before so feeling a little worried Lance answered the phone with a frown.

“Keith?”

_“Hey,”_

“Is everything alright?”

_“Yeah,”_ Keith said his low voice distorted a little over the phone.

“Then why are you calling?”

_“Thought you might need me to,”_

Lance laughed at that “of course you did, it swear this gets weirder every day.”

_“I think it was weird from the beginning.”_ Lance could imagine Keith was probably shrugging on the other side of the line.

“you mean when I yelled at you because I didn’t like a book?”

_“Oh yeah. Kind of a dick move, that’s why I avoid the shop at all costs during open hours. Shiro makes me work the register and I get assholes like you.”_

“Gee, thanks.” Lance rolled his eyes unaware that the sound of his laughter had drawn all eyes to him, Lance didn’t laugh often anymore, at least not at home.

“ _let me know when you get home tonight, so I know you got back safe.”_

“It’ll be late,” Lance warned.

_“I don’t care,”_

“Okay, okay.”

“I’ll see you, I suppose.”

“See you soon,” The line went dead abruptly and Lance wasn’t surprised by the sudden end to their conversation. That was just like Keith.

“Who was that?” Vee asked curiously, ”one of your friends?”

Lance nodded trying to ignore the eyes on him “yeah, Keith.”

“Ahh the Air Force legend,”Veronica nodded “didn’t realize you guys were very close, he seemed kind of quiet.”

“He is,” Lance shrugged choosing not to elaborate. 

“So who are these new friends, Leandro?” His Mami asked as she starting setting out the food with Rachel in tow holding serving spoons.

“Oh, um just some people I met recently.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows in a silent “no shit.”

“I mean,” Lance said continuing “one of them owns a shop I went to and we hit it off so he invited me over and then you know… I made friends with them.”

“And who is this Air Force legend.” Lance’s father asked.

“Oh um, Keith…”

“He’s a pilot?”

Lance shifted a little under his Papa’s stern gaze, when Lance was discharged it was a point of huge disappointment from his father.

“He was, he’s an instructor now.”

Lance’s father gave a little “hmph,” and his Mami cleared her throat.

“Come let’s all sit and eat, it’s Christmas and we’re all here as a family.” She said sternly “we have much to be grateful for.”

As everyone nodded and started seating themselves the scene dissolved into easy chatter while everyone piled their plates.

Lance sat uncomfortably, he purposely hadn’t eaten so he could eat a bit more than usual and fool his family into thinking he was better. However, the downside to this that Lance should have foreseen was that after going so long without food that thought now turned his stomach. He was _not_ going to be sick here, so be carefully picked out some food trying to quell his nausea. Lance knew his family were sneaking glances at him as he took some salad, somebody must be noting that he’d forgone dressing or cheese. But no one said anything and Lance was left to eat his salad. Three sips of water, one small bite, three sips of water, cut the spinach into pieces, take one small bite, then three sips of water.

He clung to his routine as his anxiety rose. _No one_ had mentioned his eating yet and Lance knew it was only a matter of time. Yet, somehow they made it through dinner without a word. Lance only ate half of his salad but even when he cleared his plate in the kitchen his Mami eyed it, but stayed silent.

Lance allowed himself for a brief second to wonder if he was about to make it through his first successful family gathering in years when it happened. Dessert was being passed around by Marco, the youngest of the McLain sons.

“Cake Lance?”

“No thanks,” Lance replied quickly but Marco didn’t move on.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,”

“Why?”

Everyone knew why, but the room stilled at Marco’s challenge. Lance never specifically said _it_.

The anxiety that had been slowly rising since Lance had accepted the invitation for Christmas rose to a crest and he stood suddenly.

“I’m leaving,”

Lance grabbed his jacket and was out the door before anyone could protest.

As the front door was swinging shut behind him he caught Veronica’s voice saying: “are you fucking kidding me Marco? After everything I—“

The conversation was cut off as the front door closed with a muted click.

Outside the house it was strangely quiet, the chilly landscape cut off from everyone’s homes where they held their respective celebrations. He trudged to his car hearing every crunch of the gravel under his feet as he walked. Once in his car he turned the heat up to full blast and pulled out the driveway. Lance took one last glance at the front door before he turned down the street, but it remained firmly shut.

No one ever followed him.

—

It was nearly midnight by the time Lance got home. He sent Keith a quick text to let him know he was back before collapsing in his bed. The apartment was dead silent, Kevin and Andy having gone back home for break and Lance tried not to feel lonely, it wasn’t like he spent any time with his roommates anyway.

His phone buzzed and Lance couldn’t stop himself from reaching for it instantly. It was from Keith, only two words and eloquent as usual “come over.”

For once in his life, Lance didn’t hesitate. He typed back a quick okay and was up, pulling on an extra jacket and stumbling out the door, car keys in hand. His car was still warm from his recent drive and Lance tried to push back the sharp voice in his head accusing him of being desperate and clingy. Keith _had_ asked him. It hadn’t even a question it was a demand. Who was Lance to refuse?

When Lance arrived he took the entrance around the back, cutting through the alley and letting himself inside. It was warm and Lance could see the light shining down the back stairs from the apartment above. Another time Lance might have felt weird about just walking in but tonight Lance wanted nothing more than to collapse in their cozy living room with anyone who didn’t look at him with disappointment or scorn. Shiro had made it clear that Lance was welcome anytime.

Sure enough as Lance pushed open the front door Shiro lit up instantly.

“Lance!” He said excitedly “we’re playing Monopoly, do you dare to join us?” He beckoned to the “we” which included himself, Adam, Pidge and a guy who looked weirdly like her, Lance assumed that must be Matt who he’d heard a little about.

“Uh hey,”

Suddenly Keith was at Lance’s shoulder making him jump, where had he even come from? “I have an idea, wanna come? It’s better than Monopoly, there’s about a thirty percent less chance we get murdered by Adam.”

“Only thirty?”

“Yeah, there’s a pretty high chance of getting murdered by Adam at any given moment.”

Lance snorted “where would we be going.”

“Can’t tell you it’s a surprise,”

Lance raised an eyebrow “Is this the part where I find out you’re a serial killer.”

“No. Do you trust me?”

“Course,”

“Then come on, they’ll be playing monopoly all night, it’s tradition. You can get a game in later.”

“Okay, then.” Lance shrugged “lead me to my death then.”

Keith smirked and grabbed Lance gently by the wrist, pulling him towards the door. “We’ll be back,” he called before closing the door behind them with a snap.

They didn’t talk during the drive, at this point Lance felt like they never would. Something about driving in the dark with Keith seemed sacred. For once in his life Lance felt no urge to fill the silence, so he sat back and warmed his hands at the vent without a word.

When they pulled into a dirt parking lot Keith turned off the car. “Ready?”

“I still don’t know where we’re going,”

Keith didn’t reply just got out of the car and stood waiting outside until Lance joined him. Then he started heading to the trees where the land sloped upwards. Lance followed and tried not to think about how despite the obvious ease with which Keith climbed, he still went slow. Lance knew it was for his sake but instead of making him feel small or weak, he felt cared for. Keith letting him keep up didn’t seem to be out of pity but because he wanted Lance near.

When they made it to the top of the hill the trees opened up into a clearing and Lance stopped, heart in his throat.

They were on a cliff, a cliff overlooking an endless expanse of water. The moon reflected brightly on the ocean below and the waves hit the stone of the cliff relentlessly. The wind was more bitter up here, but also thinner, fresh. Lance could taste the ocean in the air.

“You like it?” Keith asked, his low voice almost swallowed by the wind.

Lance just nodded dumbly and Keith turned back, taking Lance‘s hand and leading him into the clearing.

“I think…” Keith started quietly as the came towards the edge of the cliff and Lance turned, something about the tone of the other man’s voice striking him “that this is the closest you can get to the sky in Altea. At least I’ve never found anywhere better since I moved here. It’s not the same as flying, but I think it’s the closest you can get to it without leaving the ground.”

Lance should have said something about flying, how he missed it. But instead to his mortification the words that slipped out were dark, twisted: “you could jump,”

Instead of looking at Lance in horror Keith just looked down at the water far below “I’ve considered that,”

Lance stilled suddenly feeling like he was seeing something in Keith that no one ever did “I almost tried it once,” Keith continued “but I don’t think it’d be worth it. I don’t want to die, I’m just not always okay with living either…” he trailed off eyes on the horizon “but I couldn’t do that now, I’d miss this. The sky, the rush, going places, seeing things… Shiro.”

“You really love him,” it wasn’t a question.

Keith nodded “I can’t always appreciate everything he does, but I owe him. I owe him everything. After I became an adult and Shiro moved away we lost touch for a long time but he still took care of me when I needed it, even though I pushed him away.”

Lance was starting to realize that Keith wasn’t quiet because he didn’t like talking or people but because he normally just didn’t feel comfortable sharing.

“That’s… yeah I understand. I pushed my family away, but eventually I guess most of them gave up on me. And that’s okay, I think if I was in their place I might have done the same. It takes a special kind of person to stick around no matter, but Shiro’s just like that. He’s done a lot for me too, before I met you guys… it was just me.”

“Sounds lonely,”

“It was,” Lance admitted “but it seemed better than the alternative.”

Keith didn’t asked what the alternative was instead he just reached out, pulling Lance in, and Lance let himself fall into his arms.

“Would you do it?” Keith whispered his breath warm on Lance’s neck “jump?”

Lance pulled back a little to watch Keith, even in the dark he could see the pink of Keith’s cheeks from the wind, the way his hair had gotten long enough to blow in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” Lance said raggedly “I- I don’t know anymore.”

“What about right this second?” 

“No,” Lance breathed “no I couldn’t, not right now.”

“Then that’s good enough for tonight,”

“Is it?” Lance asked surprised by Keith’s reply.

Keith nodded “Sure, you have some shit Lance. I wouldn’t expect you to feel all better, what, just because you made some new friends and I kissed you in my car?”

“Maybe I’ll never be better,” Lance admitted, the words ripping themselves from his mouth like some crumpled confession.

“I don’t think that’s true, but you don’t need to worry about that right now. Right now you just need to kiss me.”

Lance laughed “now that’s something I can do.”

As Keith pulled him in with the vast expanse of water below them, for one second Lance could have _sworn_ he was flying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh hi guys, so I finished Nano with only 25k words but I'm on break from school now and I'm still working on this fic. I have a few chapters written you have yet to read.
> 
> Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, I have an eating disorder. I started writing this fic as something close to me while trying to recover. However I’m kind of in the midst of a full-blown relapse so we’re getting to the darker points of this story, because yeah I’m projecting on Lance, sue me. I’ve been having a rough time so just be patient with updates please!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Lance should have seen it coming honestly, despite the painful experience of visiting his family, life, in general, was going too well. Lance had been using his break from school wisely, picking up more shifts to make extra money, keeping up studying so he wouldn’t forget all his knowledge between semesters, and hanging out with his friends or Keith in his free time. Sure he still had to dodge calls from his family and awkwardly brush off Veronica’s apologies, but otherwise he felt a lot more alive lately.

It was too easy, but somehow Lance felt himself lulled into security. Until a knock at his door on a Friday night shattered everything.

He sighed at the insistent knocking, both of his roommates were out so he dragged himself from the warmth of his bed with a sigh and padded to the front door prepared to find that Andy had forgotten his keys again or Kevin’s ex girlfriend was back begging for another chance , Lance did not expect to see his _own_ ex girlfriend standing in the hallway, her long blonde hair pulled into a tight ponytail as she waited impatiently.

“Lance,” she greeted easily as the door swung open.

Lance just stared, the way she was standing so casually, like nothing had changed and she was here to pick him up for another party made him freeze, made him remember another time when his life was fast paced and exciting.

“What do you want?” Lance asked finally.

“To see you, duh.” She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder and Lance was accosted with all the memories of the times she did that, flipping her hair like she was a goddess and all eyes belonged on her.

“Don’t _duh_ me, Nyma. You cheated, I broke up with you, end of story. That was awhile ago, why the fuck are you here now?”

“Rolo, misses you, you know. So do I.” She said not answering the question.

“Well than you probably shouldn’t have cheated, and Rolo shouldn’t have excused it.”

“People have been talking you know, you’ve been looking like shit. We’ve been worried.” She said full-steam ahead.

“Go fuck yourself,” Lance spat.

“Look, we both know you’re all anorexic or whatever,” Lance blanched at the word but she continued “I just think you’ve been looking like you’re about to die. You should get help.”

“Oh gee, thanks Nyma you’re the first person to ever tell me that,”

“It’s stupid, you’re killing yourself. It not fair for us to have to watch you do it from afar.”

“Oh it’s not fair?” Lance spat his voice rising “well I’m so fucking sorry my life which you are no longer a part of isn’t fair to you!”

Lance was spared from hearing Nyma’s bullshit answer by a low voice cutting into the conversation “is there a problem here?”

Lance looked up to see Keith standing in the hallway with a concerned frown. Curse the guy for never warning Lance when he was coming over.

“No, problem.” Nyma waved her hand easily “just an ex lovers spat, you know how it is.”

Keith ignored her “Lance, is everything okay?”

Nyma’s brow furrowed as she seemed to realize that Keith wasn’t a stranger she could brush off but someone Lance knew.

Lance nodded numbly “yeah,” he said quietly but Keith remained thoroughly unconvinced.

“I was going to see a new model plane a buddy is working on, thought you might want to see. He thinks it might be the future once it’s finished.”

Lance’s eyes widened “I would like that,” he mumbled trying to ignore Nyma’s glare.

“Okay,” Keith nodded slipping past Nyma and into the apartment “have a good night,” Keith said firmly before shutting the door in her face.

—

“So your Pidge’s brother?” Lance said as Matt led them towards a large warehouse.

“Unfortunately,” Matt rolled his eyes “sorry we didn’t get to officially meet on Christmas. I had to leave before you and Keith got back.”

“It a non-issue,” Lance shrugged “we get to meet now. I can’t believe you’re a genius too though, what were your parents feeding you guys?”

Matt laughed “it’s in our DNA, our parents are pretty brilliant too, plus privilege.” He acknowledged “we had the chance to go to fancy schools and focus our time on learning. Our parents encouraged us to be curious and do what we wanted which was nice. I wanted to make aircrafts and Pidge wanted to do whatever the fuck she does in her top-secret job all day.”

Keith frowned “I’m going to figure out what she does someday.”

“Don’t do that,” Matt warned “you’ll probably have to be killed for it or something.”

“Pidge has threatened that, I can never tell if she’s kidding.” Keith remarked

“Wait, so Matt, I have question,” Lance said suddenly.

“I might have an answer,” Matt joked and Keith groaned.

“You’re worse than Shiro,” Keith muttered.

Lance just ignored them “so how exactly did you all get to know each other?”

“Well,” Matt chuckled “that’s a long one. Okay, so I met Shiro in school, we didn’t really know each other back then though, until we both started working at NASA together, we didn’t actually do any work together but we kind of bonded online over going to the same school and became friends.”

“Wait hold up, Shiro worked for NASA?”

“Oh, yeah.” Matt nodded “guess he probably didn’t mention it. But yeah, that’s how he lost his arm, during an accident there. Didn’t you ever wonder about his arm?”

“I mean… no.” Lance shrugged “I never really thought about it, wasn’t my business.”

Matt raised an eyebrow in surprise “Are you lying? Everyone cares about the arm.”

“What?” Lance frowned “no. Shiro never mentioned it, so it’s not exactly my place to think about it. If he wanted it to be a thing or was okay with it being one, he would have brought it up.”

“Wow, you know what, I’ve decided I like you Lance. No wonder Keith is so taken with you, you’re pretty cool.”

Keith frowned a little at being brought up and Lance chuckled “Well, I’m glad to have your approval.” He turned to Keith who was glaring “and I know you like me Keith, you’ve said so before so don’t be a grouch.”

Keith just frowned more “let’s just go see the fucking plane already.”

—

Once Matt had showed off his model and Lance had been sufficiently awed (it truly was the future of aircrafts), Matt continued his stor.

“So Pidge met Shiro through me, and she brought Hunk along, they were friends since they went to space camp together in middle school. After Shiro left NASA he moved out here, Allura’s father Alfor, owned the bookshop before and Shiro was a regular. Alfor knew Allura wouldn’t be happy managing a shop so he left it to Shiro when he passed, said it was fate. I think that’s what got Shiro started on his whole fate spiel. I mean, the shop made Shiro the happiest he’d been in a long time, so I get where he’s coming from.” Matt shrugged.

“Still think it’s bullshit,” Keith muttered and Matt ignored him.

“Anyway, so Allura stayed around the shop even though she didn’t want to own it, she felt bad about abandoning it completely. She brought Romelle around, who I’m fairly certain his her girlfriend but they’ve never actually said for sure. Romelle’s best friend is Shay, Hunk fell for her, they’ve been dating for awhile now. Eventually Keith here came to town some years back and then of course you showed up. Now we’ve got this big happy family.”

“Wait, what about Adam?”

Matt laughed “oh that one was really romantic. Adam was Shiro’s dentist.”

“Your kidding me!”

“Nope,” Matt said with a pop “Shiro kept making up excuses to go see Adam. He purposely chipped his tooth and Adam agreed to go on a date with him just so he’d never do it again. Somehow they fell in love, still unsure as how that one worked out.”

“That’s Adam hates the fate stuff most of all,” Keith cut in “he says he and Shiro ended up together because of Shiro’s pure stupidity and fate had nothing to do with it.”

Lance shook his head “oh my god, that’s hilarious. I can’t believe Shiro did that.”

“Don’t let his dad persona fool you too much, he’s an idiot at heart.” Matt warned.

—

Once Keith had dropped Lance off at home and he was alone in the cold apartment with the memories of Nyma at his door only a few hours earlier, it hit him.

The lightheartedness from earlier bled so quickly he felt faint.

…Lance was the outsider.

All his friends had been friends with each other long before Lance had come into the picture and they would continue to be after he was gone. They didn’t _need_ Lance around, maybe they didn’t even want him. It was plain to see that he was a mess, Shiro had taken pity on him. He was just the poor guy who was pretty obviously going through it and Shiro was too good of a person not to help. He felt a lump in his throat but tried to push it away as the alarm on his phone started going off.

Ah, his fast was over. He stood and made his way to the kitchen slowly, tying to prolong the fact that he needed to eat a meal now. Lance knew he couldn’t skip it, he had a tried and true routine, he hadn’t made it this far to break it now.

Lance made his salad carefully measuring everything and logging it in his app as he went, it was always a long process but Lance had gotten familiar with all calories and the logging was only for safety at this point.

When his food was finished he sat down and pulled his laptop over so he could distract himself while he ate. He didn’t finish the entire meal, his disorder rarely let him, but still he called it a success.

At least it was until while he was laying in bed that the full force of the day hit him and so did the compulsions. He was only able to lie still for a moment before the guilt to was too strong to resist.

He got out of bed and dropped to the floor, counting sit-ups until that wasn’t enough either and Lance crept through his apartment carefully, as not to disturb Andy who had got home recently and passed out on the couch. Lance pulled on his jacket and laced up his sneakers before slipping out into the hallway. On instinct Lance headed for his usual walking route before he remembered it took him past Shiro’s shop and he stopped. He remembered clearly the rain, Shiro’s kindness, and it turned Lance’s stomach. That was _pity_.

He swallowed and turned the other direction. He’d find another path today.

—

Lance was good at avoiding people, he was more comfortable with declining a call than he was answering, he always had hundreds of unread messages because he was too afraid to open them and find out what someone wanted from him.

Lance could _not_ deal with expectations. He had a lot of them growing up, being the youngest all his other siblings were making something of themselves before Lance had even graduated high school. It left big shoes to fill, Luis was a lawyer, Marco was a pretty well-known sports presenter, Veronica was a major in the Air Force, Rachel was a pediatric doctor. Their parents were immigrants who worked their asses off to give their kids a good life in American where they could go to college and make something of themselves. It was an unspoken agreement between the McLain clan that they had to do their parents proud, the were all first generation Americans, first generation college graduates. They achieved success just so their hard-working parents could sit back and see how worth it their sacrifices were.

The McLain children didn’t disappoint, they were always the kids at school who watched their friends give their parents shit or whine about not getting the newest piece of technology and thought: _“I would never do that to my parents,”_

They did well in sports and clubs, got an average grade of As and Bs, and started working as soon as they were old enough to get hired. They got into college with a scholarship, graduated with honors and quickly excelled in whatever job they chose. Then of course, most of them settled into a serious relationship and in Luis and Marco’s case started the next generation of McLains.

It was all so _fucking impossible._

Lance knew he was supposed to be an easy kid, his parents were older and worn out by the time he was born. He was supposed to breeze through life, never making his parents stressed or worried, he was supposed to succeed. Despite the crushing weight on his shoulders growing up, Lance followed the plan. He did well in school, excelled on the swim team, worked at a grocery store on the weekends, and graduated knowing that he wanted to be a pilot and how to do it.

However, if it could have been that simple he wouldn’t be here today. Somewhere in between joining the swim team and graduating high school, Lance started to have a problem. It started as working out more and improving his diet a little, the speed with which it went downhill was something that Lance still couldn’t comprehend. He was in the grip of a full blown obsession before he even knew it. Truthfully, Lance’s memory of that time was a little fuzzy, he remembered having a breakdown when he Mami tried to feed him bread, throwing a tantrum like a toddler. He remembered the look of horror on her face and the way she’d cried in the hospital, the shock from his family. No one had any idea.

He remembered Marco saying: “wait aren’t eating disorders a girl thing?”

Lance had never disappointed his family like that before and after he’d finished treatment he vowed to never let them down again. He graduated with a 4.7 GPA, started school and went on to become a pilot, foolishly thinking that he was cured now.

The thing about eating disorders is that even when you stop the physical habits, you still have the eating disorder brain. Eating disorders are a mental illness with physical side-effects, Lance just assumed he wasn’t restricting anymore so he was better. Nevertheless, the thoughts still looped in his head and as long as they did, he could relapse at any time. And he did, not at first, a few years passed lulling him into a false sense of security until it struck pulling him back under even worse than the first time.

The disappointment from his family was too much this time, it was one thing to call it “ _an accident_ ” and think of it as a one time thing that happened when Lance was a teenager with a growing brain, everyone was a little unstable as a teenager right? Vee used to have panic attacks, Marco had a penchant for punching people when he was fourteen. It was normal. What wasn’t normal was Lance winding up in the hospital again, years later as an adult. Then it became his “ _problem_ ”.

If Lance had felt ashamed the first time, the second was unbearable. He’d been discharged, his career as a pilot was over, he’d fucked up and let his entire family down.

They hadn’t exactly discussed Lance’s eating disorder before but now it was like a huge elephant in the room all the time. No one knew how to address it, they were made uncomfortable by the topic and so Lance took a step back, and then another. Until he moved a seven hour drive away and stopped answering phone calls.

So yeah, distance was easy. As break neared a close Lance simply begged preparing for the semester when invited to things.

As he missed one, event, then another and another… it started to hit him how _little_ his friends needed him there. They hardly even knew him! Sure he got a couple inquiries from Shiro but that was it. Keith had been out of town for a few weeks and Lance slipped back into his solitude easily.

Something about the familiarity of it was comforting and when classes started again in threw himself back into classes. He needed to focus on school, as of now he had no idea what he’d do after graduation, getting his grad degree was him buying time, he’d never wanted to do anything but fly.

Lance kept missing shop parties to the point where even Hunk and Romelle called his asking where he’d been. Lance promised cheerily that he was just swamped with new classes, it was his last semester after all so it was important he finish strong.

They all accepted his excuse with a simple plea that he join them soon. Lance promised he would, it was a flat out lie.

And eventually after so many times of a Lance quickly brushing them off or just declining them, the calls stopped, the messages became infrequent besides Shiro’s weekly invitation to come by the shop.

Lance truly tried not to think about it until one study session with Axca she looked over at him halfway through the evening. The thing with Axca was that she was very quiet, her demeanor reminded him of some one but he could never quite put his finger on who. Point was, she made him comfortable, she wasn’t interested in being friends or gossiping she just wanted to study and she enjoyed doing it with Lance. So it was a surprise when she put down her pen and spoke.

“What happened to your friends?”

“Huh?” He asked surprised.

“Your friends that are always messaging you, your phone never shuts up until you silence it.” She said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, busy tonight I guess.” Lance shrugged.

“Okay, just seemed like they cared about you a lot, I thought it was interesting.”

“Interesting?”

“Yes, relationships are hard, I like to observe them.”

“Huh, okay.” Lance nodded and they went back to studying without a word.

—

Of course, Lance should have known that he couldn’t evade Shiro forever, that man was too persistent. Eventually Shiro let Lance know weeks in advance to come over, and well Lance could hardly come up with an excuse besides the fact that he didn’t want to go. So with a sigh of defeat he dragged himself to Altea’s Books and Antiques with a plan to get in and out as fast as possible.

Once he got past the initial wave of greetings from his friends it was easy to just blend into the background, never letting the conversation stay on him for more than a minute.

It was fine, everything was fine even as his irritability rose through the night and he checked his phone religiously, watching the minutes creep by. He kept his mouth shut and tried his best to ignore the unasked question of where he’d been.

It was fine, he checked his phone and decided that an hour was an adequate amount of time to stay, it was time to go. Before he could, however, Hunk came over.

“Hey, you should try these!” Hunk said excitedly holding out a plate of cookies “they’re a new recipe, I tried to recreate my grandma’s and I think I finally did it!”

“Oh, no thanks, Hunk. I was actually going to head out, I’ve got some studying to do.”

“Oh you can take one with you, I bet Shiro has a bag,” he turned “Hey, Shiro! Do you have a bag I can put a cookie in for Lance?”

“Oh sure, I’ll get one.”

“No, no, you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s no problem Lance.” Shiro assured him standing up.

“No, no.”

“The cookies are worth the trouble,” Hunk smiled.

“No!” Lance yelled and the room stilled “I don’t want the fucking cookie, okay!”

Hunk stiffened and placed the cookies on the table nervously “uh, sorry I thought you’d like it, they’re good.” He said quietly.

“I don’t eat cookies.” Lance said trying to take down his anger.

“I- I know you’re a picky eater but I just saw you eating a cookie once, so I thought that was okay.”

Lance rubbed his eyes tiredly “It was made out of fucking chick peas okay?”

Hunk made a face “chick peas? You like chick pea cookies?”

“No, of course I don’t.”

Hunk frowned but Lance just grabbed his coat trying to ignore the fact that he’d obviously hurt Hunk’s feeling. “I’ve got to go, I’ll see you guys around or something.”

He tried not to think about how final that sounded as the bell jingled behind him, singing him goodbye for what he knew would be the last time.

Lance was good at cutting people off, so if he cried on the walk home that night, no one need mention it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely hate this chapter but I’m posting it anyway. Don’t @ me. 
> 
> (TW personal ed talk. Ik y’all r reading my fic about eds already but this is my real life not fiction so just the warning anyway)
> 
> If u care, I am still alive. Am still doing really rough, Have decided I have zero desire to recover which is making it hard to write Lance a storyline where he wants to.
> 
> I wrote this chapter the night I had a mental breakdown and relapsed a few weeks ago so it’s not my best work but aha it exists sooo. Don’t worry tho y’all I’m not dying, I take vitamins and high restrict so I’m physically healthy as possible with an Ed. Sorry I’ve been getting dark on u lately oop.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It was over. Lance decided it, he was completely done. Done with even pretending he was busy. He ignored all phone calls, left texts unread. He avoided taking the path through campus that would take him past where Hunk always sat. GU was a big school, it wasn’t hard to avoid any of his friends who went there.

No one ever followed Lance when he left, he knew that. However, for as much as he had convinced himself that he was fine with being alone the complete radio silence was unnerving.

After the first week or so his friends stopped trying to contact him, Vee had left for wherever the hell she was stationed at the moment, and the rest of Lance’s family seemed too put off by the experience on Christmas to try contacting him.

He was good at ignoring people, but now there was no one to ignore and he felt more alone than ever. At least before people had pretended to care, now there was nothing. Lance at least expected to hear from Keith…

A week passed, then another and a month…

And nothing.

—

“Do you feel ready for midterms?” Axca asked as they gathered up their supplies, to Lance’s gratefulness they had another class together this semester and were able to continue their studying.

Lance shoved a notebook in his bag with a sigh “not at all,”

“We’ve been studying like crazy.” She remarked.

“Yeah but this stuff doesn’t come easily to me,” Lance shrugged.

She just shot him her signature “not having it” look, before unplugging her laptop. “It doesn’t come easily to me either, why do you think I’m studying with you? You passed fluid mechanics, you can pass this too. You just have to put in the work.”

She wasn’t exactly a soft or warm person but her words were encouraging nonetheless “yeah, your right. I’ve just got to get my head in the game I guess.”

She nodded “just don’t think about anything else,” she suggested “that’s what I do. The week leading up to exams nothing matters but basic human necessities and school. Anytime your brain starts to wander to anything else just switch back to school, like changing the channel.”

“That… sounds really difficult.” Lance shook his head “you do that?”

She nodded, wordlessly zipping up her backpack.

“You sure you’re human?” Lance joked.

“Knowing my mother? No.”

She didn’t elaborate and Lance knew better than to ask with Axca. “Okay, same time and place tomorrow, right?”

“As usual,” she said and then with a nod goodbye she slung her backpack over her shoulder and swept out the door.

Even though they’d been studying together for awhile now she still was pretty quiet, Lance didn’t mind though, she was smart and a good study partner. He’d learned that was just how she was. She’d had a interesting piece of advice with only focusing on school, maybe he’d try that...

—

Lance was usually deep in denial, you had to be to live life like he did, but he wasn’t completely unaware. Or an idiot.

He lived everyday knowing he was dying, he was envious of people who weren’t. Of people who could pick up a cookie off a plate and take a bite, of people who didn’t know the amount of calories in a peppermint. It wasn’t a fun way to live, Lance had survived through all of the “just eat” and “you’re doing this for attention” comments. He’d met people who wanted Lance to “teach them”.

There’s a lot of misconceptions about what it means to have an eating disorder. Romanizations and pretty black and white posts online. Words like ethereal, delicate, _beautiful_. Lance couldn’t lie, he fell into this trap sometimes, he spent hours looking at pictures of thin people, hearing other people’s stories. Eating disorder are competitive, when he saw someone else his height who weighed less or someone who ate fewer calories per day, it fueled him. Sometimes he _needed_ that motivation to keep going, because what we’re his options? Keep working towards his goals or just lie down and die. He _had_ to be close, that was what Lance told himself. Only a few more pounds, then he’d look at his body and finally be happy, then he could just maintain at that weight and he’d be able to live his life again. Clearly recovery didn’t work, he’d done that and failed. So the solution must be finally hitting the right weight, then his family would be sorry they’d pushed him to recover, they’d see it was all worth and he’d be fine.

He’d be _fine_.

\--

Lance hadn’t known Keith was back, a part of him had hoped that the other pilot had just been away for an unusually long time. Lance hadn’t heard a word from him and he’d honestly expected to at least get a text. So when he was walking across campus one day and he caught a glimpse of Hunk, Lance’s heart dropped. Keith was next to him, head buried in a book, while Hunk laughed at something Shay was saying. It was a scene Lance knew how to be a part of, to sit next to Keith while he flipped through his paperback, letting the conversation swirl around them. Now he averted his eyes trying to pass quickly.

Not quickly enough however, because for a brief second, Keith caught Lance’s eye. He turned away quickly, but Lance’s heart was beating out of his chest. He walked on and Keith didn’t try to approach him.

Keith was back, and he hadn’t even tried to call or come by. Lance _wasn’t_ hurt by this, it was what he wanted. Yet he couldn’t help the feeling of hollowness in his chest.

—

Lance stood outside a gas station, the light reflecting on the wet pavement of the parking lot. He pulled his jacket tighter around him as he leaned against the wall outside.

His hands shook as he pulled out the pack of cigarettes he’d just bought, lightning one before the ever shrinking rational part of his brain could protest. It was a bad habit he’d picked up years back to make up for meals, but when he’d been forced into recovery the second time he’d had to quit. Since then Lance had managed not to pick it back up, until now.

Desperate times, right?

_This_ was exactly why Lance had never wanted to get involved with Shiro’s bunch, he’d deluded himself into thinking that the time he enjoyed with everyone would be worth the fallout, it wasn’t.

He was tired, so fucking tired. He barely had the brainpower to make it through classes, or get out of bed, much less follow his perfectly scheduled meal plan he’d been following lately in hopes of _not_ dying. Lance had raised the amount of calories he was eating to high restriction around finals for fall semester, he’d just wanted a bit more energy. It was hard to do, but he’d realized his metabolism needed it to actually lose weight.

Lance had been doing the best he’d been in awhile, he still couldn’t pinpoint what exactly had happened. Now he was smoking outside a twenty-four hour convenience store, watching strangers pump their gas at one A.M.

Lance fell head-first back into smoking after that, he knew his Mami would be appalled, Vee would probably be angry, but Lance just couldn’t find it in himself to care. It was a few weeks later as midterms drew nearer that the inevitable finally happened, Lance ran head first into Hunk. Literally.

He’d been standing next to the trash can and turned to discard a cigarette. It wasn’t a nice place, the parking lot at the edge of campus but it was usually pretty empty, which is why when he was surprised suddenly he hit into someone else.

“Oh jeez, I’m so sorry!” The man said as Lance pulled out an ear bud.

“It’s fine,” Lance mumbled, he stepped back eyes down as he grabbed another cigarette, quickly lighting it. The man didn’t leave though, Lance saw his feet still there and looked up.

“Lance,”

He stiffened as he realized who he’d bumped into. Lance looked up and a few parking spaces down he recognized Shiro’s car, Keith was outside no doubt waiting for Hunk, while Shiro and Adam were warm in the front. Now that his earbuds were out, Lance could hear the faint hum of the car running. They’d done that with Lance and Hunk before, picked them up from campus. Adam insisted on the carpooling for the environment.

“Uh, hi.” Lance replied feeling like after yelling at Hunk the last time they’d talked, it’d be too awful to just leave now.

“We haven’t heard from you in awhile, we tried to give you space but… we’ve been worried.”

Lance scoffed “oh yeah, everyone’s always so fucking worried.”

He didn’t like the bite in his voice, none of this was Hunk’s fault but Lance was tired and angry.

“Look, it doesn’t hurt to shoot a text every once in awhile. Just so we know you’re okay.” Hunk said quietly.

“Yeah, you know what? It does!”

“Lance—“

“No! I’m not your problem okay? Just go carpool or whatever and let me smoke in peace.”

“I didn’t know your smoked,” Hunk said quietly looking back at Keith who had taken a step forward, unsure if he should intervene.

“I used to, now I do again.” He shook his head “Not that it’s your business.”

Keith seemed to make up his mind and strode forward to stand next to Hunk. looking a little alarmed Shiro opened the drivers side door, stepping out but hanging back.

“Why are you yelling at Hunk? He didn’t do anything.”

“No, your right he didn’t do anything!” And Lance was still yelling, he didn’t know why, he agreed with Keith.

“Okay?”

“It’s my fault, okay I’m a screw-up! I’m not your problem, and I can’t believe that you expect me to believe any of you fucking care! You never needed me, and I didn’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity,” Keith said calmly, unlike Hunk he seemed undeterred by Lance’s yelling.

“Oh really? Guy almost passes out in your shop? You don’t take him home because he seems cool, you do it because you don’t want his blood on your hands when he blacks out on the street. You invite him over because he looks like he’s dying alone. That’s pity.” Lance spat.

“It’s not pity it’s kindness,” Keith waved a hand at Shiro behind him “because Shiro cares, _we_ care.”

”Is that so?” Lance rolled his eyes “you have a funny way of showing it. Disappearing for over a month, not bothering to mention you were home!”

“Shiro told me about what happened, he said he thought you needed space,” Keith frowned “plus I told you I was going.”

“Not for that long!”

“I didn’t say I _wouldn’t_ be gone for that long,”

“You’re acting like you did me a public service by even letting me know you’d be gone, that’s just common decency Keith!”

“I don’t owe anyone that, I’m an adult. I _chose_ to tell you.”

“You’re selfish,” Lance hissed.

“Oh I’m selfish?” Keith asked his voice rising, Adam was out of the car now too, grabbing Shiro’s arm to stop him from cutting in. “You’re the one who got pissed about a cookie or some shit and fell off the face of the earth! What’s your deal Lance? I laid out all my cards, _you_ didn’t!”

“What the are your fucking cards? Asking me if I want to kill myself? Kissing me in your car? Running off for weeks at a time? I’ve never known what you want from me Keith!”

Hunk’s mouth fell open in surprise “kissing?” They ignored him.

“I didn’t want anything!” Keith yelled.

“Great… glad we cleared that up. What I was just a little entertainment? Poke the crazy guy, see what he does!”

“No, you’re twisting my words Lance. See this is what I don’t get, why are you so angry? Why did you bite Hunk’s head off over a cookie?”

“Because I’m anorexic!”

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and the silence that followed was deafening.

“You are?” Hunk said in shock at the same time as Adam said “I know,”

That made Lance pause “wha- how did you know?”

“You were obvious,” Adam shrugged.

“He was?” Shiro said confused.

“But I’ve seen you eat.” Keith said confused “I mean I didn’t think _that_ was it.”

Lance’s cheeks flushed in shame but before he could suffer through an explanation Adam sighed “that’s not what it is, Keith.”

“That’s what they told us in health class,”

“In health class in the shittiest public school in Texas, they didn’t even teach you sex ed there.” Adam pointed out “you still eat when you’re anorexic, it’s just restricted, generally below the amount of calories you need to stay out of starvation mode. It’s a mental illness with physical symptoms, it’s more about the mental state than the exact amount. You eat a piece of cake or eat normally for a day or two, you’re still anorexic.”

“Yeah…” Lance said quietly, “that’s right.”

Adam nodded “I know you’re wondering how you were obvious,” He raised an eyebrow at Lance “it was your shopping cart, when I met you at the grocery store. Diet Coke, Monsters, rice cakes, apples. They’re pretty classic safe foods. Plus the panic in your face when you were looking at those crackers.”

“You told me they were disgusting,” Lance remembered.

Adam chuckled “they are, trust me I spent four miserable years of my life eating them.”

“You…”

“Had an eating disorder?” Adam finished for Lance “yep. It’s why I became a dentist, I rotted my teeth from lack of nutrition and ended up spending way to much time getting them fixed. Turned out I found dentistry pretty interesting.” He looked at Lance and for the first time in a while, he felt like someone was actually _seeing_ him. Seeing everything. “Take it from someone who’s been recovered twenty years, there’s more to life than this, Lance.”

“I know that! I recovered, I went into the Air Force, I loved my job, I loved my life, _it_ _didn’t_ matter. I relapsed anyway, I got fucking kicked out. I got sent home, forced to recover _again_ and where am I now? There’s nothing more for me!”

“I know I can’t make you believe me, but that’s not true. My mother had an eating disorder most of my life, she passed it onto me. She struggled for _forty years_ , but she’s recovered now, it took a long time but she did it. I can see that you’ve given up, I can’t make you recover. You have to want it or it’ll never stick, but it’s possible Lance.”

Something in Lance just fell away, he didn’t want to fight anymore “I don’t want to.”

“I know. I just hope you find a reason.”

“You-you’re not going to try to force me? Call the hospital on me, tell them I’m trying to kill myself or something?”

“I just said you have to want it, I won’t make you, I won’t let anyone else make you… but you should come back. Let us be your friend, let us love you Lance, because we do. It’s not pity, you’re smart and funny, your smile is contagious, everyone loves having you around. Shit, you even got Keith wrapped around your finger and I’m not sure how you managed that one.”

Keith grumble at that but he didn’t deny it.

“I- I need some time, to think. I’ve never said that to anyone willingly before, that I’m… you know.”

“We’ll wait for you Lance,” Shiro said gently “I didn’t invite you around out of pity, I saw a spark in you, it was small and I could just see what it’d be if you had the chance. Sure I thought you could use a little love, but I wouldn’t have brought you into our lives if I didn’t believe that every single one of us would love you.”

Lance just nodded at that tears pricking at his eyes “okay… I’m sorry for yelling,” he choked out “and I’m sorry about the cookie Hunk.”

“Sorry for trying to force it on you,”

“It’s okay I overreacted… I-I’m gonna go.” Lance said quietly “I’ll get in contact when I’m ready.”

“Okay, we’ll be waiting.” Adam assured him.

Lance nodded numbly and turned, pausing to discard his forgotten cigarette before heading in the direction of home. He was almost out of the parking lot when he heard footsteps behind him.

“Lance,” Keith’s voice was low and cautious and Lance turned without thinking, drawn in by his voice. “I- uh I don’t really know anything about what you’re going through, but I’m gonna learn. I’ll do research and I’ll get properly educated so I don’t do anything to hurt you, or say anything else stupid… and I’m sorry.” He choked out the last part and Lance could tell apologizing was difficult for him “I’m sorry for not getting it, and I’m sorry for yelling at you and for leaving too. It’s not fair of me to just disappear and I’m gonna work on that.”

Lance just nodded but Keith didn’t seem to expect any other response “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life Lance, but I guess like, who you are at your core? Maybe in every reality and universe there’s certain parts of you that are just _you_ and I know those bits, I don’t know, that’s some Shiro level shit right there… I guess I just, didn’t really know a lot of the things that are specific to _this_ you, I want to learn that too. We do love you Lance… but also I think I could do a lot more than love you, that fucking scares me but also I want the chance. I hope we get that.”

Keith’s words were pretty much a rambling mess but Lance got what he was saying “okay,” Lance whispered and Keith took this as good enough because with a nod goodbye he turned heading back towards Shiro’s car.

Lance headed home, feeling strangely hollowed out by the experience. However, Keith’s words kept echoing in Lance’s head: “I _could do a lot more than love you,”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, whew guys. I'm sorry about this chapter, I really liked the scenes themselves but I feel like my writing wound up a lil disjointed and awkward. But this is fanfic so I hope y’all are ok with a mediocre chapter for today.
> 
> I want to apologize for my dramatic mental breakdowns on my last few chapters, I was having a really rough time coming to terms with my relapse because I’d been working really hard at recovery, I think I was disappointed and ashamed of myself. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reached out, you have no idea how much that means, it helps a lot to have someone to talk to. I love you guys SO MUCH and I’ll always return the favor, my dms on tumblr are ALWAYS open, I’m rweoutofthewoods there too. 
> 
> Anyway Taylor released a new album, life is instantly at least five times better now :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

If this was a fairytale or a dumbed down happily ever after Lance would have gone home and immediately called his sister or his mother, he would have begged forgiveness and then checked himself into the hospital with a vow to recover for good.

Instead, Lance went home and collapsed at the dining room table where he proceeded to sit for the next four hours, just staring at the wall and trying to process the day.

Lance didn’t want to recover, he didn’t want to gain weight, in fact he was downright terrified of it. He also didn’t want to die… Lance had heard all of the sayings “no one will care at your funeral if you’re thin” “if you’re not recovering you’re dying” “there’s more to life than this”. Rationally he knew all this was true, but anorexia isn’t a rational disorder. He didn’t care, his disorder didn’t care, he was okay if he was miserable or dying, all of that was second to being thin.

That wasn’t rational, it didn’t make sense, in fact it sounded fucking crazy if you didn’t have an eating disorder. Yet, in Lance’s head it added up. It was worth dying for… mostly.

Truthfully, he couldn’t imagine a world where he wasn’t in the grips of his disorder and the thought scared him. Who would he be, what would his purpose in life be? What would he wake up for?

Lance was so deep in his head he didn’t even hear his roommate come in until he was standing beside him.

“You alright Lance?” Andy asked shaking him from his stupor.

“Oh,” Lance said startled “yeah, I’m okay.”

“I was gonna have some coffee, you want some?”

Lance was a little surprised at the offer, Andy had always been kind and was definitely the better of his two roommates, but they weren’t friends exactly. Lance was hardly around enough for that, and even when he was he tended to stay in his room.

“Uh sure,” Lance agreed hesitantly.

“Black right?”

“Yeah, please.”

Andy grabbed Lance’s blue mug from the cabinet and poured some coffee, sliding it across the table before fixing his own and sitting down.

“You’re friends that girl Axca right?” Andy asked curiously, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Kind of,” Lance said unsure of where this was going “we study together and get along okay.” He shrugged.

“Do you know if she’s single?”

Lance sighed internally, _of course._ Andy had a crush and was using Lance, that’s why he was being so nice. “I think so, she’s not big into relationships though.”

“Aw well maybe there’s a chance there? I have a friend who’s been crushing on her from a distance for _years_.” He explained “she’s been having a rough time lately and she’s graduating soon, I just don’t want her to loose her chance when this Axca could be the love of her life for all I know.”

“Oh,” Lance said take aback by Andy’s explanation that wasn’t what he’d been expecting to hear… “that’s really kind of you.”

Andy shrugged “Thank you, I just want to help out my friend though. She deserves it, I want her to be happy. I just feel like I can’t let her lose this chance just because she’s scared.”

“Why do you reckon Axca is the love of her life?” Lance asked curiously.

“Oh,” Andy blushed a little “it’s kind of stupid… but um, it just feels like they’re meant for each other. Like they’ve never had a proper conversation but somehow Axca always knows to bring an extra pen to class because Rosalie always loses them, and like she doesn’t even ask! Axca just hands her one. It’s freaky, they know each other like on this weird level, but they don’t know each other at the same time…” he trailed off.

Lance however was silent his mind running a mile a minute.

“Sorry,” Andy said embarrassedly “I told you it was stupid—“

“No, no,” Lance cut in “just… Rosalie?”

“Oh yeah, my friend, that’s her name.”

That struck a chord in Lance, “That… it’s not stupid at all, I think I know exactly what you mean.”

“Really? I thought it sounded kind of absurd,” Andy laughed.

“Oh it does,” Lance assured him “but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. We need to set them up.”

Andy’s eyes lit up “you’ll help?”

“Absolutely, it’s fate,”

Andy chuckled “hell yeah man, we need a good plan.”

“Yeah, Axca is timid, we don’t want to force anything…”

—

Lance’s mind was spinning when he went to bed that night. After a while of trying to ease his restlessness, Lance finally gave in and got up, he was heading towards the door, his body deciding they were going to workout before Lance’s mind had even caught up, but then he stopped dead.

Sitting, untouched on his desk was that dammed book. It had collected a fine layer of dust over the past few weeks. Lance hadn’t read any farther, it had barely crossed his mind with everything that had been going on. Yet now, it drew him in, just like it had the first time in the shop.

Lance turned slowly away from the door. He sat down at his desk pushing his laptop out of the way and grabbing the book. He flicked on his small reading lamp and took a second to examine the book. The dark red of the leather was smooth, the gold designs glittered in the dim light and the curl of the title was elegant.

_Stories from a Treacherous Place_ …

Lance let his fingers wander over the words before opening the book. The page he’d last read was bookmarked by a blue ribbon but he ignored it, instead simply flipping through. He wasn’t really reading, just taking in the weight of the pages, the curve of the letter “f” of the font. He flipped until he came to the last page. Just as Lance was about to flip it over and turn back to his marked page, he caught sight of something inked into the back cover. He leaned closer, the handwriting curled in that certain way that you don’t see in modern handwriting. It was thin and purposeful, clearly made by someone with a careful hand.

_My dearly beloved,_

_May every drop of champagne taste as exciting as the first. May you hold every heart as though it is made of the most delicate glass. May these stories remind you that there is light in the darkness, and darkness in the light. The world is not inherently wonderful nor a treacherous place, it is solely your decision on how it is perceived. It is not I, it is not your father who decides what you make of the world, but only you._

_May our love stretch from this life onto the next, and forevermore._

Lance swallowed, tears slipping quietly down his cheeks, the night as still as a lake made of glass. Lance couldn’t understand what about this unknown person’s words affected him so deeply. The way they’d written their hopes for the person they loved with such care and passion, Lance couldn’t help but feel so incredibly small.

What had he done in his life? What had he seen? There was so much in the world and Lance had wasted away for years, stuck in this small square of existence. There was nothing in that square that gave Lance the will to _really_ love. Not his education, his future, not even all of the love from his family and friends. Because he didn’t want it! Lance didn’t want to be loved, he didn’t deserve to be loved.

Wasn’t there something else? What had Adam said? _“There’s more to life than this.”_

Lance was stuck in his square and _there was more_.

He was up in an instant following an urge, however it felt more like an instinct than a compulsion. As if this was something his brain was making him do in the name of self-preservation. Lance sure as hell didn’t have a lot of that, but he was willing to follow the string, see where it went.

He started throwing things in his overnight bag, clothes, his laptop and of course the absurd book. He retrieved his toiletries and zipped up the bag grabbing his coat and heading down the hall.

He was surprised to see the kitchen light was still on, Andy was sitting at the table, textbook in his hand and pens and highlighters spread out around him. He looked up pulling out an earbud as Lance came in.

“Going somewhere?”

“Uh yeah,”

He looked Lance over “everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Lance nodded grabbing his key off the hook near the door “I’ll probably just be a few days.”

“Okay,” Andy shrugged “I’ll try not to kill Kevin while you’re gone.”

“Please do,” Lance chuckled. He turned towards the door but then stopped “Uh quick question, your friend Rosalie, what’s she like?”

“Oh,” Andy said surprised by the sudden question “well, she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. She’s kind to everyone and she always helps people no matter what. She looks at the world in this crazy way too, like she sees every part of it, she’s always so in awe of just normal things like the wind and the stars. She doesn’t take anything for granted.”

“She sounds incredible,” Lance said softly.

“She is,” Andy nodded.

“I think Axca will definitely like her, we can put our plan in action when I get back?”

“Yep,” Andy grinned “they’re going to owe us for the rest of their lives for getting them together.”

Lance smiled slightly “that they will,”

—

The train was quiet, he’d chosen a random one hoping it would get him to whatever he was looking for. Now Lance watched the landscape whir past outside the window as dawn approached painting the world a dusky purple in those moments before the sunrise broke through.

As the the first glimmers of sun began to peer over the horizon Lance pulled _Stories from a Treacherous Place_ out of his bag and finally flipped to his marked page pulling out the blue ribbon. He wrapped it absentmindedly around his finger watching as the trees surrounding the track fell away and the cabin was suddenly bathed in the gold of sunrise. The blue ribbon glittered in the light, the smooth satin like a river touched by the sun. Lance wondered briefly where on earth he’d even procured this particular ribbon, he always just bookmarked with the nearest object. Was this ribbon his?

He shook the thought from his head and turned to the book, holding it up to the light, he began to read.

—

_“Why have I been brought to the dark?” Rosalie asked, her voice swallowed by the emptiness “is this where everyone else is?” Her voice shook as she spoke, she didn’t want to be alone again._

_“No,” the voice that spoke wasn’t so much of a voice, more of a force. Like the whisper of bitter wind, it didn’t exactly speak but it’s intention was clear. This wind however, was less of a whisper and more of a commanding storm._

_“Then why am I here?”_

_“You had a lesson to learn,”_

_“A lesson,” Rosalie pondered “what sort of lesson?”_

_“Hope,” the voice said, the word ringing through the dark, a contrast to Rosalie’s which were muffled by it._

_“I have hope,”_

_“Is that so?”_

_“Yes!”_

_“Incorrect.” The voice said forcefully “you lost it,”_

_“The stars died!” Rosalie protested “everyone I knew and loved disappeared!”_

_“Yes, existence is often cruel to kind people,”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because kindness must be watered, taught to persevere. Even in the face of darkness and treachery. Your pain, your loneliness, it is not all you will bare. In this life and the next. You will learn from it, and you will teach from it.”_

_“So what there was a reason for this?” Rosalie asked, she disliked the bitterness seeping into her voice but she felt powerless to stop it._

_“Yes,”_

_“I don’t see a reason, I only see pain.”_

_“If you can see love from it too, than that’s all that’s needed.”_

**_1,000 years later…_ **

_If there was anything Rosalie got out of her pain, it was hope. In the years after, once the world had been restored and life had resumed as if the darkness had never touched it, Rosalie struggled. She lived with a fear that she wasn’t enough, she didn’t have enough kindness or love in her. That she hadn’t learned the lesson that was so important._

_They’d all learned one, in wherever each person had gone. For the sake of the lives beyond them, to make the world better, to make humanity better. No one spoke of it, but they all carried it. Rosalie carried her fear, she saw it around her. In the eyes of a dark-haired boy, he craved excitement, adventure, and love yet he was unsure how to approach it, so instead he threw himself head-first into danger. Before he hadn’t dared to believe he could be loved, now he knew could and feared the possibility._

_She saw it in the silent woman, the way she watched Rosalie, from a distance. Fearing the words she now knew she could say._

_In the vibrant one, he’d seen his own suffering, he feared the future lives which he could not help._

_But there was freedom too, in the knowledge that they would live on. That regardless of what may come, they’d survive._

_  
_ _They had a future._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... didn’t proof read this recently, I’m sorry I will go back and edit this eventually, pray 4 me. This chapter has taken me so long to write, and I know it’s short but we’re getting close to the end of this.
> 
> To everyone that’s left me lovely and caring comments, I adore you. I promise I read them all and I cherish each one. I’ll reply eventually but it does get overwhelming for me to respond to them so it takes me a little time. 
> 
> I have zero energy I’m sorry, it’s a side-effect of anorexia unfortunately but I’m still working on this just slowly and the last few chapters should be out within the next month or so. But if this is the last chapter before January, happy new year and may we say good riddance to 2020!
> 
> (Edit: I forgot to mention, the quote “if you’re not recovering you’re dying” is from a beautiful poem called when the fat girl gets skinny. Forgive me for not citing that sooner)


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter nine**

Lance shut the book with a snap as the train slowed to a stop. There were still pages left, yet something about this chapter had felt final, like the end. He tucked _Stories from a Treacherous Place_ into his bag and pulled it over his shoulder, following the crowd off the train.

Now that it was morning Lance decided to shoot Keith a quick text, he figured someone should know where he was and he knew Keith wouldn’t get uptight about it.

**Hey, I’m out of town. Wanted to let u know that I left. I’ll be back in a couple days probably.**

There was only a second before Lance’s text was read and the three little dots popped up indicating Keith was typing, the next minute they disappeared and a phone call took over Keith’s screen.

The minute Lance picked up and heard Keith’s voice on the other end a feeling of relief washed over him.

_“Lance,”_

“Hey,” Lance greeted dodging people at the train station.

_“Where are you?”_ Keith asked, his voice low and crackling through the line.

“Uh, Windmere. I took a train last night. I needed to get away I guess.”

_“Okay,”_ Keith replied and Lance could imagine him nodding slightly.

“I- thanks for calling,” Lance said a little embarrassed, “I think I needed that,”

_“I thought you might, taking off in the middle of the night isn’t something you do often.”_

“No, It’s not.” Lance agreed.

_“Do you need anything else?”_

“I…” Lance trailed off, unsure of where to start. He knew what he wanted but he didn’t know how to voice it. Keith was patient though, the only sound from the phone was his steady breathing as he waited for Lance to piece together the words. “Can you come? To Windmere, with me? I-I mean not _now_ , but tomorrow maybe? Give me a day to myself.”

_“Yeah,”_ Keith agreed immediately _“I’m an expert at taking off in the middle of the night,”_

Lance laughed “I know you are. I just… don’t really know what I’m doing.”

_“You always know what you’re doing,”_ Keith noted _“everything about your days you plan meticulously, sometimes it’s good to have a little uncertainty.”_

Lance didn’t ask about Keith noticing this, because _of course,_ he had. “Yeah… I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

_“Call or text me if you need anything,”_ He didn’t wait for Lance’s response before hanging up. He didn’t need to, Keith knew that Lance would call him if he needed and there wasn’t anything else to say. That was something Lance liked about the other man, he wasn’t one for talking around in circles.

Feeling calmer he took a deep breath and exited the station.

—

Lance checked into a hotel, upon shutting the door behind him he eyed the bed. He was exhausted and wanted to just lie down and sleep, but he’d come all this way, no point in wasting the day. Lance checked his phone making sure it had enough charge before looking down at the bag at his feet.

The thought of lifting it again was tiring, it was heavy. However Lance had something to admit, he wasn’t _that_ weak. Sure if he’d been carrying his backpack around all day his arms would shake when He picked it up, some things he really couldn’t lift, but mostly his inability came from fear. The thought that one day he’d try to lift something that wasn’t so heavy and he wouldn’t be able to or it’d just snap his arms in half. It always made him hesitate. Taking a deep breath Lance picked up the bag, there was no snap of his bones, there never was and he shook his head dropping it in the corner then leaving his room again. Tucking his room key and phone into his pocket Lance headed down the hall.

When he got to the hotel lobby his footsteps slowed in front of the stack on brochures. Lance didn’t have any actual plans for the day and he was open to ideas. He flipped through a couple before pausing at a bright blue one with a picture of a waterfall printed on the front. He examined the name of the park before tucking it into his pocket mind made up.

Lance took a bus to the park, it was pretty empty since the weather was still cold and he found he liked the peace as he walked down the path hands stuffed in his pockets. It took Lance a little while to find the waterfall but once he did it felt worth it. He was the only person there and the roar of the water drowned out his ever-present loop of thoughts. Just for a moment, Lance wasn’t worrying about lunch, where he would go to eat, if he even should eat at all or if he should use this chance to skip the meal. The only thing in his mind was amusement at himself as drops of cold water splashed his face and he jumped in surprise.

Worn out from his walk Lance sat in front of the waterfall and just watched the white foam of the water, feeling like his own emotions were hitting the surface of his mind and bubbling up in a roar of noise. The water reminded him of summers spent on the beach with his family, when the tide was just a hit too high that his Papa stood in the sand stiffly, watching his children, ready to dive into the ocean and pull one of them out the second the water took them under. Lance was young and unaware of the danger, diving into the waves, laughing as the bubbles tickled his skin.

He was suddenly hit was a wave of longing, feeling so cold and lonely here in contrast to the memory. He missed the warmth over his mother’s arms, the laughter, and lighthearted joking over dinner when everyone piled their plates and no one made remarks at Lance or watched him while he ate. A time before guilt. When he could eat without the guilt from his disorder, or he could choose not to eat without feeling like he was failing his family.

He missed home.

Lance had spent so long focusing only on the consequences of dealing with his family, the shame, the challenges. Every meeting was a fight, tripping over land mines, trying to navigate around obstacles all while pretending nothing was wrong. It was exhausting, Lance was just so fucking tired. There was a part of him that wanted to lie down and give up, never talk to anyone again, never go to school, just lock himself in his room and waste away alone until he died.

Yet, there was another part. Memories of brighter times, reminders that he _did_ love his family. Shiro’s hand firm and warm on Lance’s shoulder, the flash of Keith’s eyes in the dark, laughing with his new friends, even studying with Axca and planning to set her up with Rosalie alongside Andy.

It was a peculiar reminder that Lance was human. Like somebody calling you by name and you’re suddenly faced with the fact that you exist, make impressions, have relationships, and exist in other peoples’ heads. There were people who cared about him, often Lance had felt this to be a burden. He still felt like he might buckle under the weight of it but he also felt it to be a privilege, something that warmed his chest.

A shiver wracked Lance’s body and he stood shaking the numbness from his limbs. It took a minute for him to steady himself as he looked at the waterfall and pulled his coat tighter around him, for the first time in a long time Lance allowed himself to entertain a thought. What it would be like to stand up effortlessly, not a tint of black in his vision, to pressure in his head or lack of circulation in his legs. To move all day without feeling tired or weak, to be strong, to be _warm_.

The thought was immediately followed by a sense of panic, the ever-looming shadow of what that would mean. Weight-gain, not counting calories, loss of control.

_Control,_ he scoffed. Like he was in control, the only thing he ever controlled was fooling himself into thinking he was anything but completely under the influence of his disorder. He paused in his steps out of the park a little at that and surprising himself he laughed aloud. He didn’t have a single thing together, he didn’t know if he was ready to recover the the insistent voice was screaming in the corner of his mind “you’ll gain weight!” It was stupid. It was ridiculous… yet it still mattered to Lance. It was hard to accept that he _knew_ it was irrational and still cared about it so much.

He sighed, of course, it was too much to hope that he could start wanting to be happy and magically get cured.

—

Keith arrived the next morning, announced by a single rap on the door, Lance let him in wordlessly. Keith dropped a worn duffel bag on the floor near the closest and turned to Lance. He seemed to be waiting for Lance’s cue.

“Wanna go somewhere?”

“Sure,” Keith nodded, he didn’t ask where which Lance was thankful for because honestly, he didn’t know.

They wound up wandering around downtown watching people go about their lives, running errands walking dogs, and chatting on the phone. Something was comforting about seeing everyday people just going about their lives. To them, Lance was just another normal person too.

He frowned at the thought and Keith who had mostly stayed quiet so far spoke up “what?” He asked taking in Lance’s expression.

“I- I’m just thinking about how many people we pass, I don’t know anything about them and they don’t know about me. I’ve always felt so…” he trailed off trying to find the right word “alone,” Lance said finally “isolated I guess. Like I was the only person in the world dealing with what I was. Some people try to find community when they’re sick, I did at first. God, on Tumblr back when that was _the thing_ , eventually it was exhausting to deal with other people and their problems as well as my own. I took myself out of those communities. But I’m just thinking that today we must have walked past at least one person who’s like me, probably more. In every given room I’m probably not even the only one. I always felt alone.”

Keith nodded “yeah I understand, the isolation…” he didn’t elaborate but Lance got the feeling that it was more for his sake than because Keith didn’t want to talk about it.

Lance reached out and grabbed Keith’s hand, there was no one around now they’d crossed in front of a park, in the distance kids were shrieking with laughter but no one was in earshot and they stopped. “Tell me about it,”

There was a certain weight to his words and Keith knew it, catching Lance’s eye for a brief moment before looking down. Lance didn’t let go of his hand and Keith didn’t pull away so they stood their hands clasped while Keith prepared his thoughts.

“You don’t know much about my childhood,” it was a fact, Keith hadn’t talked about it much “it was _difficult…”_ he said bitterly like he was repeating something he’d been told “my mom left when I was a baby, she was the free-spirited type, she went wherever she wanted, never stayed in one place. She didn’t make attachments or if she did she didn’t keep them. That’s how she ended up with three kids from three different fathers, not a single one of them whose life she was in. My dad died when I was six. I was in foster care for a while, Shiro found me as soon as he was old enough. My sister wasn’t as lucky she’d been in foster care her entire life before Shiro took us in. He tried to make us a family but Shiro was still a kid himself, I was fucked up, so was Axca.”

Lance’s eyebrows shot up at that “Axca?” He questioned.

“My sister,”

Lance shook his head “oh my god, I know Axca, we study together. I thought she seemed familiar I didn’t realize it was because she reminded me of you.”

Keith smiled slightly at that “yeah, we’re a bit alike. Both like our mom, Shiro can barely handle it, he’s nothing like her. I’m both surprised and not surprised she likes you, I was hoping she would but she can be hard to predict.”

“I’m not sure she likes me, we just study together.”

“No, no. If Axca if even deigns to give you the time of day she likes you.” That made Lance smile and Keith’s eyes lit up at his happiness “she had a rough go as a kid, she was never open to connecting to Shiro the way was, and I barely was, it was hard. We all get along well enough but back then we hadn’t figured out how to deal with each other. We were just a few abandoned kids who had an abandoner in common. Once we were all adults Axca fell off the face of the earth for a few years, I tried at first but then Shiro had met Adam it felt like I was intruding so I left. We lost contact. I was fine with it honestly, we didn’t have the same relationship back then. I joined the military, I was as happy as I thought I could be. I loved flying, until the accident…” Keith’s voice faded out and Lance let it.

He stepped closer to Keith giving him a moment to get out what he needed to say.

“I was reckless I didn’t work well on a team, I was always in trouble back then at work. I was good though, so I got away with it. Then one day we were under attack, I saw it coming saved one of the other pilots by taking fire. I went down. There was nothing more terrifying than plummeting out of the sky. I felt so completely alone, I had no one. For a moment I thought I might die and my only wish was that I hadn’t spent so long alone. I was alright though, aside from my leg I survived just not well enough to be for to fly anymore. It was gut-wrenching having that taken from me.”

“It was all you had,” Lance said softly.

Keith nodded eyes flicking up to meet Lance’s “yeah… after I was lost. If I’d felt alone before it was nothing compared to when I couldn’t fly anymore. You’d think I would have tried to reconnect with Shiro, try to stop being alone but I didn’t. He was there through my recovery, tried to get me to come live with him. I refused, I pushed him away. I wouldn’t get to know Adam. Eventually I just… snapped. I nearly drove my car off a bridge, Shiro thought I was trying to kill myself. I wasn’t I just wanted to feel alive again. I was admitted to the hospital, they wanted to keep me and put me in the psych ward, I didn’t want that. Eventually, I agreed to live with Shiro and do outpatient treatment, it was rough for a while though. When I met you I was just finally starting to feel like myself again.”

“Do you now? Feel like yourself again, I mean.”

Keith cocked his head “not all the time, but more so when I’m with you.”

Lance blushed at that and looked away “I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Lance admitted “but… I want to.”

“Me too,” Keith said quietly “me too.”

—

They didn’t discuss much when they got back to the hotel, Keith turned on the TV and they sprawled out on the bed side-by-side. After a while Keith’s hand sneaked tentatively over to Lance, tracing a finger gently over his arm, Lance leaned into it and slowly they came closer together until Lance was wrapped up in Keith’s arms, so close their noses almost brushed.

“I don’t think I should say this,” Lance breathed.

Keith raised an eyebrow “you haven’t said anything,” he pointed out.

“Technically I just did,” Lance countered pulling back slightly.

“Well, you can say whatever you want to me,” Keith said, the teasing fading from his voice so Lance could tell he really meant it.

Lance swallowed “I don’t know if anything is going to work out. Keith, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to convince myself to recover. I don’t know what I’m going to do after I graduate, I don’t know if it’s even possible to mend bridges with my family… none of this is simple.”

Keith frowned, hearing Lance’s words for what they were, a warning. “Nothing in my life has ever been simple, I don’t care about simple. You’re one of the best things by far, regardless.”

“This might not work out, in fact, it probably won’t work out! like are we together Keith, are you my boyfriend?”

“If you want me to be,”

“Do _you_ want to be?”

“I don’t really care, it’s all just labels I just want to be in your life, however you want it.”

“Really, just _however_ I want it?”

“Yes,” Keith leaned back so he could meet Lance’s eye “Lance, whatever you want. If you said you wanted to get married right now, I’d say yes. If that’s what you want.”

“Really?” He said skeptically “I said let’s go right now and you’d agree.”

“Yes,” Keith shrugged.

“That’s bullshit, no way you wouldn’t.”

“I would,” Keith insisted “would you?”

“I-“ Lance choked at that “do you want to get married?”

“Sure, if you do.”

“And what if I did?”

“Then we’d do it,” Keith said simply.

“So if we go right now and get married you’d be fine with that?”

Keith rolled his eyes “For the hundredth time, Lance, yes.”

“Is this hypothetical?

“It was,” Keith said eyeing Lance “I don’t think it is now.”

They sat in silence for a moment taking in the conversation before Lance scooted towards Keith again timidly “it’s a terrible idea right? I mean it’s completely stupid, we were barely even talking a few weeks ago we never actually dated, we haven’t known each other that long! It’s—“

“Impulsive?” Keith finished.

They looked at each other for a moment, the word sitting in the air between them before they burst into laughter. They laughed until their stomachs hurt and their breath came out in exhausted giggles.

“I’ll say it,” Keith said once their laughter had died down, looking over at Lance from where he was sprawled out on the bed.

“Say what?” Lance asked even though he knew.

“I love you,”

Lance leaned forward pulling Keith into an insistent kiss, when they pulled apart Lance laughed giddily.

“I love you too,” He whispered.

“…so,” Keith said after a long moment “are we actually going to get married?”

“I think it may be the stupidest decision I’ve ever made,”

“Not mine,” Keith smirked.

Lance rolled his eyes “let me finish. It’s stupid, I’d never even considered it before you said it.”

“Me either,” Keith admitted quietly.

“But it feels… right, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Keith breathed “it… it does.”

“Okay, then fuck it! Let’s get married.”

“Shiro’s gonna be so mad,”

“We better do it quick then, before he uses his dad-type powers and finds out.”

Keith laughed “how do you even get married?”

“Pretty sure you’ve got to like go to court or something and sign documents,”

“Really? Maybe we should Google it.”

Lance snorted “Yeah, probably. If we research we can do it today, it’s not that late.”

“Okay, this is such a bad idea,” Keith grabbed his phone and held it up “Siri how do you get married?”

Lance burst into another round of hysterics at that while Keith shushed him listening to Siri with a serious look on his face.

Lance couldn’t help but remember the line he’d last read from _Stories from a Treacherous Place_ _“they had a future.”_

Maybe he had one too.

—

**Three years later** :

Lance never read the last chapter of _Stories from a Treacherous Place_ , he hadn’t felt like he needed to. He still thought about it sometimes however, the story had lingered with him even if he still wasn’t sure he fully understood it. He’d open it up and read the note left on the inside of the cover. He remembered what it felt like to read it the first time, wishing so deeply to live his life, to be loved like that. Now it just reminded him not to take anything he had for granted.

Lance padded down the stairs as the sound of voices floated up from below. He’d lost track of time working on a report for Matt, they’d been working together since Lance had graduated, and while it didn’t give him the same thrill as flying it gave him a different kind. The work challenged him, kept him on his toes. Matt was brilliant and they really were pioneers in aircraft design.

“Hey, Lance!” Shiro greeted the first to notice him.

“Hey, guys,”

Adam looked up flashing Lance a smile, he was busy trying to wrangle Naomi their foster daughter’s hair into a braid, it wasn’t going so well.

“Ah so you were alive up there,” Keith raised an eyebrow from where he was sat at the table with a permanent marker scribbling over the nutrition information on the snacks Adam and Shiro had brought.

Lance had insisted that Keith didn’t have to do that anymore but a year ago or so he’d felt himself spiraling into a relapse after he found himself having a breakdown about the calories in the pack of cookies Keith had bought he'd decided that it didn’t hurt for Keith to continue doing it.

“I had to finish a report, babe. Plus we both know I’m not the only workaholic.”

Keith wrinkled his nose at the pet name but it was just for show, he’d long stop protesting Lance’s terms on endearment. “Okay, okay, well Vee is gonna be here soon, you’re lucky she didn’t show up while you were still working and drag you down here.”

Lance winced at the image “she’d drill me about overworking myself, but never fear she’s late.”

“No, I’m not, you said six, it’s five fifty-eight.”

Lance jumped at the sudden appearance of his sister “Jesus fucking Christ Veronica, did you teleport here?”

“Language,” Shiro scolded “there’s a child present,”

“Two actually,” Lance smirked looking over to Pidge who’d been entertaining herself by seeing how many Oreos she could put together before they wouldn’t fit in her mouth.

“Hey!” She protested “I work for the government you know!”

There was a chorus of “we know!”s at that and Pidge crossed her arms to pout but was immediately distracted as Hunk entered.

“I come bearing food!” He greeted hands piled high with homemade treats.

Lance helped him and Shay load the food onto the counter while the noise level in the room rose as Axca, Rosalie, Romelle, and Allura suddenly joined the party with squeals of greetings. (Mostly from Romelle and Rosalie while Allura and Axca looked on their enthusiastic significant others with fond amusement.)

It was loud and chaotic _._

Lance was _truly_ happy.

Life wasn’t perfect, he still attended therapy, he’d almost relapsed a year back. His relationship with his family was often still rocky, in fact when he’d told them about marrying Keith they’d been horrified.

But he was _living_ , not for the number on the scale. For himself.

None of it was easy, in real life you don’t meet a guy make some friends and suddenly have your eating disorder cured. It was a fight Lance would probably have to keep up for the rest of his life. That wasn’t the hopeless debilitating thought it used to be, however, because he knew no matter what happened he’d always pulled himself up again.

Nothing was simple,

Lance didn’t need it to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh we're done!! I thought this last chapter was going to be split up originally. I kind of knew exactly how I was going to end this (except for the getting married bit that was spontaneous) but I couldn't bring myself to write it.
> 
> I started this fic as a crutch in my eating disorder recovery and then I relapsed and as you may have seen in my notes I kind of lost it. This got hard to write and I had to put it down for a couple months. I think the moral of this story became less about recovery and more about how it's a lifelong fight, there's no magic cure. Sometimes all you can do is try to take care of yourself, practice harm reduction and keep stepping forward. I'm starting treatment this week, I'm terrified of being put into inpatient and even more scared of being forced to recover, but I'm moving forward regardless. Right now all I'm hoping for is to find the desire to recover and I'm proud of myself.
> 
> Thank you for sticking by me through this shitshow. You can come talk to me on Tumblr if you want at: rweoutofthewoods, my dms are always open whether you want to request something or just talk. I'm currently writing a Hannibal fic so if you also like Hannibal go read that! and as I sometimes feel like I'm the only person still writing vld fics, fear not I plan to pick back up wasted like all my potential eventually so you'll still get Klance content from me. 
> 
> Oh and also I plan to write a little follow up fic where Keith and Lance tell everyone they lost their minds and got married
> 
> Love you all <3

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me, I have Tumblr now! 
> 
> https://rweoutofthewoods.tumblr.com


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